Life as I know it

It's 2007 already? Wow how time flies and things change. Is it time to sit down and set our goals for the new year? For me, no. I think it's always important to sit down and establish goals and expectations for yourself more often. Write them down and set a reasonable timeline. Do not set yourself up for failure. I think my goals are quite cliche: 1_ make more money, 2_ lose weight 3_ learn to BE HAPPY.

Quite simple for some. It's been extremely difficult for me. We just got our annual raise - 2% and I've gained 40 pounds over the past year. To be happy? What's that going to take? I have the daily stresses of most people. I live paycheck to paycheck and often have to borrow money for a short period from mom. I hate to ask or borrow for me. I'm in so much debt at this point. So, my specific goals are this. Focus on seeking a better primary job and seek an add'l secondary job [part-time] to pay on bills owed. Simple enough but then when does family time occur? I don't want to miss a moment of my son's life not to mention another due in April. Hmmm, so much to think about. I need to quit thinking and start doing. I'm big at procrastinating which leads to laziness and gaining weight. Before having a child, I couldn't understand how the husband gains weight too. Quite simple, she eats what she wants, when she wants it and you follow suit. Not to mention, she gets tired faster than ever before and you sit, lay and nap more often. Ok, enough mumbling.

Last year, my wife and I were separated and I was the one who was quite depressed. Early December, I visited the doctor and weighed in at 199. He questioned why I had lost so much weight over a short period of time. Simple -- depression lead to drinking and eating less. I was always running so I wouldn't have to think about her. I was so depressed over her -- or so I thought. She's now back and since learning of our newly expected son, I've gained 40+ pounds. I once reached 249 and I vowed never to weight that much again. It's quickly approaching and today I bought a pair of 38 X 32s. About a year ago, I gave away all my size 38 waist jeans and slacks. I'm not going to buy another pair of 38s! It used to be so much easier to lose weight. 34 isn't old and I have much to be fit for -- 2 boys! Enough complaining -- I'll do something about it. Within the coming months, I hope to report my progress and share what I've changed in my habits. Without the holiday hoopla and junk food, I should have a bit of an advantage.

Be happy!? How does one obtain happiness? The last time I can truly remember being happy was 1999. I made a respectable income, had great benefits, bought a house, got married, went on honeymoon and we were financially comfortable. I had $0 debt and if I had less than $1k in the bank -- that's when I felt broke. I was setting a healthy amount of my income into my 401k and yet we still managed to travel, shop and do everything we wanted to. In December of that year, I lost my job and things began to deteriorate. The only thing I can say I gained from that experience is the importance of friends and family. I rarely took the time to stop and smell the roses, attend church or to see how my friends were doing. I now have more time. Although my spiritual can always improve, I've grown leaps and bounds since then. God plays an important role in our lives and we pray daily. Deep down, I'd almost do anything just to make a respectable income again. I'm not asking for 6-figures. Just something to provide for me and my growing family. To ensure I raise Kolin and Kyler in the best environment. I don't like the neighborhood we live in now and know my wife deserves better. I want a newer vehicle, to update my wardrobe and toys, to allow Charlin to shop more and just to be able to GIVE to others who are in need. I'm extremely thankful for those who have helped me during my times of need. I hope to one day repay them 10-fold. For now, I need to simply determine what make me, G2 happy. No matter where you are or what you're doing, make sure you're doing it for all the right reasons. I'm not quite sure where I'm going with this but I want to find happiness. I've been told time and time again it's not money that makes you happy. Perhaps not but when I made it, it felt great. Next time, pride will not take me down. Enough for the time being. I'll leave you with this...

New career, begin serious exercise program and seek happiness. Good luck in all you do and Happy New Year!

Ashlyn, Brooklyn, Jocelyn, Chloe and a few more. We were set on having a girl. I was leaning toward Brooklyn. Yesterday, we found out we would be having another ... boy. At first, a bit of a let down. Ultimately, we are happy with a healthy boy -- but what about his name? We would like the name to include a 'K' and either lin or lynn.

So much to think about. So many changes over the past two years. What will tomorrow bring? Rather than ramble, I'll close for now ...

Get out and VOTE!

It's Monday and the chance to set new goals and make the most of your day, your week, your life! Perhaps the past hasn't met your expectations. What is it you can do to make life better? Do you need to seek forgiveness from someone? Need to step up and take responsibility? What are you waiting for?

Life has been quite difficult for me in the past year. I'm thankful for the changes that have occurred and hope the doors for continued opportunities arise. I must find a better career that allows me to be happy and provide for my family. I know it's going to happen and I'm patient.

I'm anxious to see if our newest member of our family will be a girl or a boy. We are praying for a healthy baby but heavily learn towards a GIRL. Daddy has his little boy, now in search of a little girl ;)

Couple of notes before I close. I have NOT left COTM [see previous comment left]. I'm attending Victory for their 'Straight Talk for Men' [previously Victory by Virtue for Men] cell group which COTM should introduce to all -- it's a great class and easily gets men involved in our responsibilities and allows us to open up. Charlin is attending as well. Finally, my sister is pregnant with TWINS. I want to be excited for her but her marriage is under attack and both of them have lost their jobs in the past 3 weeks.

On Father's Day she returned home. A huge mix of emotions as life 'alone' was beginning to take shape. Elated one moment and extremely frightened the next. I still sometime wonder if her return is forever. I will always love her but I don't feel as though she truly loves me in return. She respects me, but the love is not there.

Life has improved and we continue to work on our relationship. We comleted 'PREP' courses through Family & Children Services which was educational. They provided some great information but I don't feel as though we've truly put it to work nor practiced the 'art of communication' and how to effectively deal with one another's differences. We're now attending 'Straight Talk for Men' and her 'Victory by Virtue for Women' and Victory Christian Center. My walk with God is improving but I have much to learn. This past year or so, I seem to have a difficult time learning. Anyhow, the classes have proven beneficial and I enjoy my cell group.

It's amazing how easy it was to share my thoughts and feelings when I was down, grieving and lost in this world. Life isn't perfect at this time but I have trouble expressing my true feelings. Life is what you make of it --- dear God, please help me exceed my personal expectations in all that I do. I'm lacking the motivation. I have a wealth of ideas, a drive for improvement and much to work for but the motivation isn't fully there. Perhaps I have too much on my plate?

Thought I'd just share a bit of my life since her return. One can't fully share everything ... not at this time anyhow. Soon to be a Dad again . . . Greg ps... yes, you read the closing right, more as time permits :)

I've taken about a month off from my blog.  I'm still here and life has improved.  On Father's Day, June 18th, I returned from vacation to something quite unexpected.  Prior to leaving for vacation my wife asked what I thought about "putting the divorce on hold."  Initially, it was hard to focus on having a good time while away but that subsided.  I didn't have the money to go on that trip but figured it could be the last trip in a long time that I could take my son.  We had the best times together. We spent a lot of time with family, went swimming, got his haircut at SportClips, shopping and by far the best --- a day at Six Flags Over Texas!  

Charlin and I had a long talk the evening of our return.  She wanted to start dating again and had certain restrictions and stipulations.  I felt like I was at my breaking point -- ready to close the chapter and settle with whatever in court.  I would convince her to spend the night that night.  We have not spent a night apart since that day.  We have been working on [re]building our marriage and family.  Weekly, we attend PREP classes [effective communication] and counseling through our church [Church on the Move].  We have established a lot of goals and are working steadily to reach them.  We put our house up for sale and within 3 weeks an offer has been made.  We're currently awaiting inspection and will close the deal on August 28th.  So much to do.

I've seen so many positive changes in Kolin and I'm thankful to have her back in my life.  It's been an extremely stressful and heartbreaking year for me.  More than ever, I know the importance of God, a strong family, committment and love like never before.  I love Charlin.  I love Kolin.  I continue to pray for God to continue to rebuild our marriage.  

So much more to share but at this time ... have a great day   &nbs p;

Woke up and can't go back to sleep. Hate these nights/early mornings when I can't 'turn off my thinker.' Nothing I really want to share. Vacation will be ending soon and I need another week or two but don't we all? Returning Monday to 'the grind' and it's time to start making decisions about my future in so many ways. Wish I could share more but not at this time.

Why is the grieving process so difficult? You read about people who live in it for years, others who never complete the process and are bitter for the remainder of their life. Others will say "Look what they've done to you, MOVE on and NOW"

A few people know but during a conversation earlier this week, Charlin asked what I thought about putting the divorce 'on hold.' At first, I was overcome with a sense of joy but when she explained, it reminded me of her return in December. Then, I believe her motive was to improve her case in court regarding the custody of our son. She accomplished that task. But now what? Is she up to something again? She says she wants her family back which I believe is in the best interest of Kolin but she reminds me that she no longer loves me. If she could figure out how to get that back, she says her life would be complete again.

So my mind goes back and forth weighing all the possibilities and wondering what if. I cannot allow her to just walk back in. I've made it so far through the grief process and was in 'acceptance.' Am I going to replay all these emotions again, return to the initial stages of grief? I think I've already expressed to much of my emotions to her. Nothing that she doesn't already know but to share again.

She's been spending all of her time with Jeff, especially while Kolin and I are away on vacation. I wonder how their relationship is. I don't feel comfortable asking any of their 'friends' about the relationship. Too many questions and concerns about the past several months, about her motive, about what could be...

I continue to pray. Pray for happiness! I used to pray for God to restore our marriage. Lately, I've been focusing on the strength to move beyond these emotions for her. Have a great day.

Tonight we had dinner. I'd still do anything to get her back in my life, I love her.

Last week, her lawyer asked her for an additional $1000 as her original $2k retainer has been depleted. Since then, she has requested we get together to discuss what we agree upon outside of the courts. Tonight, she finally made a little time for us. [It was great to see her, still looking as great as ever] Didn't take much to determine we don't agree. She agrees with 50/50 joint custody of Kolin but only if she is not required to pay child support. She doesn't agree that the monies we borrowed to live on while I attended school is a shared debt. She believes my 401k obtained prior to our marriage is fair game. I honestly do not know the written law but my attorney has convinced me we will be successful in our pursuit for 50/50 in all aspects: custody, division of properties and debts.

Who knows? I question the pursuit for justice. Are we not spending every last dime of equity we have built in 7 years to try and 'prove' the other wrong. What will the future hold? I'm confident it will take me just as long to recover from the financial burden of our divorce as it will me to move beyond the strong feelings I have for her.

A hint of hope had me thrilled. It was quickly deflated when I began asking questions about Jeff. Further, it was more important for her to go out on a date with him than it was to spend the last evening with our son Kolin before we vacation. I still wonder what it would take to make her happy. If I could ever satisfy her every need like I did in the past. There's been so much said, we've done so much to one another. Even still, I would not hesitate to give it one more try. I think it would be for the greater good for our son, our family and perhaps, sanity. Would she ever be at minimum content with just us again.

I'm thankful to be getting away from 'home.' It's difficult without Charlin going but it's a much needed break from the workload, focus on preparation of our divorce and so much more. I hope to regain and strengthen my focus on everything that I face. I pray God leads me in the right direction and allows increase in all I do. Perhaps I'll write during vacation. Regardless, have a great week.

Today, I attended week 2/13 of DivorceCare through a local church. For the most part, I know what to expect from the whole divorce process but it helps to discuss it with others and see how they've overcome different stages of their divorce / grief. I've done a lot of research but there's still more information gained at the meetings. Today, we discussed the stages of grief and some tools to overcome them. We've been asked to write down our feelings, thoughts and emotions. I've been doing that for quite some time (hence this blog) and it's helped considerably. I feel like I need to move forward. I have to learn to be more accepting. Looking at myself from the outside, it's hard to look at an individual, a single man. The loss is difficiult to deal with but I will survive.

The pain is still here and it hurts. Has to do with anniversaries, holidays, etc. Monday, June 5th was our 7th year anniversary. I spent a lot of time reflecting on our past and where we were at each year. Today, I wouldn't hesitate to do it all over again. Can't wait until I get to the point of 'not caring.'

I will edit and provide more ... time for bed, it's after midnight.

This weekend has been pretty tough. I've thought a lot about all the emotions and excitement of life 7 years ago. Today, we have been married for 7 years. 6.5.99 was one of the best days of my life. Now I look back reflecting on everything that has occured and what tomorrow will hold.

Never did I imagine I would be planning for divorce back then. Of course, no one marries to get divorced.

I'm doing my best but there's much to improve. I know I'm not making all the right decisions right now and there's no great excuse. Went to my first DivorceCare class last week. It was interesting but I don't think there's much they told me that I didn't already know or have read. It's just going to take time. Some days, I want to find someone special and NOW, other days I just want to be alone and learn to become independent again. Who knows what tomorrow holds but I've got to keep my head up.

Kolin and I had a great weekend. I'm really looking forward to our upcoming vacation! Sunday, I attended the 2nd class required for membership at church.

I have a new website I'm working on ... 'Adventures with Kolin' It will include pictures of our adventures, outings and what nots.

Some anniversary. Trying to focus on it as being 'just another day.'

Today, I was looking for lyrics to a song I like.  It's hip hop and I'm not too fond of the lyrics but I love the beat.  Anyhow, while 'Google'ing for the lyrics "why you wanna go and do that love..." I came across a Commencement address given by Steve Jobs at Stanford University in 2005.   

You've got to find what you love

On so many levels, this speech touches me.   

'...you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards...'  In my career, I can see hope but I can't see action.  Spiritually, I can see growth, especially in the past 3 years (since Kolin's birth).  In love & family, I'm hoping it all makes sense.  I love and miss Charlin dearly but I'm more accepting and kind of looking forward to the future.  'So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever.'

Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick.  Don't lose faith.  You've got to find what you love.  If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle.

I could continue forever about what this means to me.  Read the article, it's been a great breath of fresh air for me.  Perhaps it will go away tomorrow but it's really got me thinking.   

'...almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important.'

Enjoy.  God Bless.  Have a great Memorial Day weekend!

  

Charlin moved out the weekend of May 13th. Our first court hearing was the 17th. We now 'share' Kolin 50/50, he's never away from the other parent for more than 3 days. We don't have/get to see one another, the exchange is always made via daycare. I took him to daycare this morning and I will get him again on Wednesday after daycare. I will have him ALL next week! She will be going to Las Vegas for AST (Association of Surgical Technologists). Not my business but I wonder if Jeff will be going with her.

I visited with my attorney Saturday morning and I have much to prepare for. Unless she were to come up with some crazy stories, lies, etc., I'm confident we will have 50/50 shared physical custody. Enough about that, I think it's in my best interest to remain limited regarding the divorce / custody proceedings.

This weekend was great, I had Kolin. Friday evening we went to a friend's 'Block Party.' I wish more neighborhoods would take advantage of such an idea. It was great for so many people to get together and share a meal. It was all great fun until the water guns and sprinkler came out. Unfortunately, I tore my left calf muscle -- OUCH! I spent the rest of the evening sitting or lieing down. Nothing much a doctor can do for me. RICE (Rest, Ice, Compression & Elevation) is the answer. So hard to stop and just sit during these times. It's great to have company to keep my mind off her. It is getting easier though.

I began membership classes yesterday at our church - Church on the Move. Learned the history of the church, the goals and why becoming a member is so important. I've been an attendee of the church for almost 3 years, never did I understand membership until now. Membership will assist me in my goals to grow spiritually. Have a great week.

Thanks for all the comments, e-mails, calls, etc, it all helps through the process.