Life as I know it

Today was a good day. We spent the day together with our son and nephew, Andy. We test drove a few cars and looked at others. We're both ready for a newer car. Also spent a great deal of time at Wal-Mart preparing Andy for a week long trip to Camp Takatoka in Chouteau. He's reluctant to go but I know he'll have a good time once he's there.

I continue to pray we find happiness in one another and the strength to endure these trying times. I pray we have a stronger, happier, more fulfilling marriage than ever before. It's hard to know how much to give and when to give it. If I give my all, she seems 'pushed back' if I don't give enough, I feel like I'm just giving her the mediocre life she's been used to.

Thank God for another day with her! Good night.

Good morning!  I had a great evening / night with my son, nephew and wife.  Although she went out to happy hour with her friends, I had a much better sense of security. 

Me and the boys (w/help from Mom) spent some time in the backyard cleaning up, raking and trimming bushes.  I later took the boys to our neighbors for swimming - fun times - until the mosquitos tried carrying us away.

Charlin came home and we spent some much needed time together.  We snuggled, spent time together =) , and I gave her a massage.  I was consumed in the moments and couldn't go to sleep.  Woke up with a big smile.  This morning was the first time in 3+ weeks she told me she loved me.  One day at a time and continue praying.

Funny how the little things in life mean so much.  It's those little things that remind us we are loved, cared for and give meaning to life.  A simple sign of affection, being sincere in your words, sending her flowers, leaving little notes of endearment, a wink and so much more.

She mentioned months ago how she missed the little things I used to do.  I failed to listen closely and did not think much of it.  Looking back, how can I be such an idiot?  In the past two months, I have sent her flowers, left notes everywhere, ironed her clothes, open doors for her and give in a bit more when she wants material things.  I want her to be happy!  I need to stop doing the small annoying things that detract from what I do for her. 

She called while I was at work and asked how I was doing.  Made me smile!  Depending on your situation within your relationship, the small things can affect you in various ways.  Don't stop the give & take -- it's those things that he/she will remember when you're not around.  I hope she finds herself smiling more as a result of my actions.   

To Charlin:
"If I could give you the ability to see yourself as I do;
then you would see how much I love you."

I have great expectations and hope for our marriage, my family, life and my son. But are my hopes too high? Is it time to let go and allow the space she seeks? Would it eventually lead her back to me or just allow us grow even further apart? My heart tells me to hang on to every moment and love her to no end. My mind tells me otherwise.

I sent a text message to her and Jeff today. Asking him to work on his own marriage and to quit courting my wife. I don't remember what I sent her. Upon her arrival at home, her attitude has changed again. I'm back to being controlling. What really bothered me was the comments her 'friends' make about me not letting or wanting her to go out -- without me. "Clankety - clank - clank." Is that how she perceives us? She's imprisoned by our marriage or so she makes it seem. I can reflect back months ago and know I was not as happy but I NEVER gave up on Charlin! She said she was going through a phase and needed space. It seems like the space I gave her has began what looks like the end of 'life as I know it' or how I want to know it. I want us to share our lives together again and love like we've never loved before.

Where and what do I do? What can we expect from one another? Love can make you crazy -- or so it seems. How can you be in love for so long and then allow it to 'get away?' Again, my mind says let her go, the pain and emptiness will go away -- eventually. Again, my heart says remain consistent, persistent and really listen to her needs.

I feel like I'm walking on egg shells, just waiting for the wrong step to send her away. I want to discuss our issues openly but it seems as though I have a limited time each evening -- she doesn't want a 'serious' discussion or so it seems. I want to discuss 'going out' and 'doing things together' but I think I know how she feels. Let me go - your not invited. How am I to take that?

Is it possible for us to forgive the past? recommit to our marriage & family? find love & happiness in one another again? What more can I do to save the most important thing in my life -- my marriage, wife, life, son, my everything? I'm aware we have failed one another in so many ways. I refuse to believe it's over. If it did not have such a huge impact on our family, I might just turn and walk away. She means so much to me and I believe in our future. It will take time.

I will continue to pray and try to remain positive. Hope she's here to see, live and enjoy what we can be. I pray God gives me the strength to endure these trying times and her the willingness to live & love again, to be happy with herself, me and our lives -- together! I pray God restores our marriage and soon. Good night & God Bless

Greg

We cooked out last night and had dinner with my mom and son. Very hot & humid the past few weeks!

We went on our walk around the reservoir and discussed a little bit more about Jeff. I had a dream the night before she had confessed to everything I had feared -- yesterday morning, the song "My Confessions" by Usher was on the radio when I got in the car (quite odd). She said they have really opened up to one another and probably discussed things she should have been discussing with me. Two people 'unhappily' married or just seeking excitement will share a bit more than they should. I informed I have discussed issues about us with other women at work and now feel it was inappropriate. I asked her again if there's anything else she needs to confess to. Nothing. I still feel there's something going on but only time will tell. I will no longer sit back and watch things happen.

We had a good evening overall. Upon returning, I did notice Jeff had called her cell phone again and she retrieved a message. My concern - her first case isn't until 7am this morning but her schedules is 6:30. Oh well, not getting my hopes too high and will continue to be very observant. If the desire to be with one another outweighs working on everything she has here --- so be it. I deserve better and in time will find 'true' love and commitment. For some, that last statement is likely a shocker as I've been so dedicated to dealing with whatever I can get from her. We're still together living in the same house (doesn't feel like home again - yet) and opening up to one another a little more. Little things still bother me but I will prevail.

Time for work. Have a great day!

Yesterday was one of the best days I've had in quite some time. She's opening up and actually showing affection towards me. Yesterday was her day off and I feared what might happen -- expecting the worst. If you recall last Monday, she met with Jeff @ Big Splash (waterpark here in Tulsa). In addition, he now lives on his own and closer than ever before. I know distance doesn't matter as if they are going to see each other -- they will make the time and drive.

Several tell me it's wrong but I still check her phone records. I feel like an 'idiot' but don't want to be made a fool of -- hence the subject of this entry. I will 'Proceed with great caution!' There were 3 calls yeterday from her work and longer than usual. Upon checking the records, I called her from work angry to tell her I will not tolerate it anymore. If that's what she wants, she needs to make different arrangements. i will no longer sit like an idiot awaiting her 'return.' Enough 'love bank withdrawals' will lead to our fate (see marriagebuilders if you don't understand the love bank) She would later talk to him one more time before I came home -- interesting.

We drove around looking for her a newer car. Again, I'm cautious and will not sign with her as I do not know what the future might hold. I enjoy shopping for cars, dealing with the salespersons and especially the negotiating process. We would later do a bit of shopping and then home to get Kolin ready for bed. We went for a walk/jog at A.B. Jewell reservoir as we (me at least) have been. She opened more and actually showed affection and a bit of respect for the changes I've made. It was nice for her to grab my hand to hold and to initiate a kiss. Although not a huge step, it's a step in the right direction - for me anyway. But still, proceeding with caution.

Time for work, have a great day!

Jeff is a 'free' man and lives close.  I'm concerned.  I feel as though she's trying to sort out her feelings for him and for her family.  Every weekend, it seems like I make small strides in regaining her love.  The week comes and it's back to dealing with all the negative feelings and wondering what she's doing at work.  It's apparent they have become 'close' friends but to what extent.  I don't want to appear 'controlling' nor 'psychotic' but I feel as though I must put my foot down and make a demand.  She will continue to deny they spend much time together but I know otherwise.  How could they get so close if their time was limited?  Should she not respect her husband?  If the tables were turned, I know she would have been long gone had I been continued a relationship with another woman!

I'm working on a design project for her.  It's a secret at this time but I will post it on the web once complete.  I'm going to 'win' her back . . . or am I?   Remain positive and pray.  I'm also working on a new banner ... check back soon -- features my boy.

Just got off the phone with her.  I'm crazy about her.  Asked again if she would not speak to Jeff outside of work.  She requested I not speak to Lauren or Jennifer (2 of our mutual friends).  I can speak openly in front of either of them.  She said she will speak openly to Jeff -- we'll see.  I said we can all go out sometime.  Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. 

Feedback would be greatly appreciated!  Either by comment or e-mail me:  1graham@cox.net

Expect change...
Regardless of how everything turns out, I expect a lot of changes from myself. Although hard to focus on anything but Charlin and our marriage, I must remain positive and seek motivation. I have so much to look forward to in life. My walk with God has improved, health is better with increased exercise and weight loss (although not the most healthy way -- depression will do that to ya'), and I've had 2 recent 2nd interviews for upward mobility within. I pray that God opens the right doors, closing those I'm not prepared for. Mentally, I have improved through reading and socializing with friends.

Remain positive...
No one like to be around someone negative. I can reflect back and see how my feelings, expressions and general mood was somewhat more negative than positive. It's likely due to the people I have associated with but i take complete responsibility in my actions. Remain positive and things will go your way.

Pray...
Today service at Church on the Move was excellent. I felt as though He was talking directly to me a great deal of the time. A short skit began the service wth a man who grew up in a single-parent family where his mother was not supportive. He would later find a woman who he would marry only to find out 2 years later, she was leaving him for another man. Everything he reflected on was failure. 'Signs' appeared everywhere. In the coffee shop he noticed a sign regarding 'Losers wanted' -- something along the lines that if life was failing you, seek Him. He would continue throughout the day to run into additional persons who pointed him to attend the service. He would attend the service and meet new friends. In God he found everything had improved.

I grew up with my mom and sister in what was called the 'widow's colony' in Sand Springs. We had a small 2 bedroom duplex but it was home for many years. I loved the neighborhood as there was always someone to play with. I excelled in school, band (saxophone) and most anything I put my mind to. I continued through college and eventually was employed by Hertz Rent A Car. After 3 years of management, I was terminated. That was the 2nd lowest point in my life -- a great feeling of failure. I'm now feel I'm at the bottom wondering what to expect next. I feel as though I've already hit the bottom of the emotional roller coaster -- just waiting for it to go through the floor. It's an extreme low in my life and again, I feel like a failure.

Reading back on my entries, I have expressed more emotions and feelings than I have in the past 6 years. Is it too little too late? Depends on what day you ask me. We both have faults and several problems to work through. Sometime I wonder why I didn't realize how much I loved her until now? Is it all happening for a reason? Of course, but will we be together in the end? Have I gone through life the past 5 years with blinders? There's so many things I could have done better! I promise to improve. Hope she's here to see it all. It's not all for her. It's for my son, myself, and anyone I meet. I hope to be a better person all around. Only time will tell. I'm so motivated at this point --- I hope it continues.

Please forgive my sins and errors...
There are a number of things I wish to share. I regret the time I requested Charlin to move out of my mom's house for me to seek the attention of another. I regret not showing Charlin nor her father the respect they both deserved regardless of his ways. I was only supportive after his passing -- I quit going to visit. I wish I knew more about him. I wish I hadn't spent so much time in front of the computer playing games and Instant Messaging my online friends -- especially the women. I wish I had not gone to lunch with co-workers/peers (women) only. Why do I feel it necessary to search her purse, her phone records and years ago get her voice messages? I've learned so much about myself and my actions in the past month. I've also learned about our relationship and how to make it better than ever. My problem is regaining her love. I want her to desire me, come to me for affection, conversation and love. Please forgive my sins.

For those that don't know me, I'm very analytical. Wife said i should be a private detective. I don't think I have the patience. Anyhow, in my opinion, Jeff is a huge part of our problems regardless if she admits it. Using my resources (internet mostly), I located what I thought was his home address and phone number. To ensure I had the right place, me and a couple of friends have made various calls asking if his wife, Danielle was there. Finally, on Friday night she would return my call asking if I need anything. I said -- not at this time. Many ask why I've gone to this extent. The anger within says that if he's going to make my life hell, I will do the same. As Charlin once said "What comes around, goes around." He loves his 2 daughters as I do my son and wife. He has and continues to be a burden in my life. I wanted ask her about various dates and times at which I believe Charlin and Jeff met. I wanted her assistance in my 'investigation.' At this time, I'm leaving it alone. For those of your reading this either seeking an extramarital affair or possibly in one --- STOP! -- think of all the people's lives you are affecting. Although challenging, exciting and what not - it's not worth it.

By the way, Jeff left his wife a week ago. Charlin didn't tell me until last night. We had a bad night. I didn't go out with my friends. I drank too much throughout the evening and we were heading to meet one of her friends to watch a band. So many negative thoughts consumed me and we argued. i wanted so bad to leave either by car or foot. Anyhow, we're both here and spent the day together. it wasn't blissful but we was together none the less.

Good night, God Bless

Something has to change...

When I'm with her, I feel great. When she's away, I feel empty. Almost daily my emotions, thoughts, concerns and wishes change. My mind tells me one thing, my heart another. It's so hard to let someone you love so much go. I've been honest with my emotions, expectations and have pursued her the best I know how. How can I make this work? What more do I have to do to regain the love and respect I deserve? No one can take away this pain but her or time -- I prefer Charlin! I deserve better treatment. Kolin will be the one to suffer most throughout it all. Regardless, he will be fine but I'm a believer in the traditional family life. My parents divorced when I was 3 and I grew up with my mom and sister, Jennifer. I turned out fine but always looked up to those who had support from both parents.

One day, I want her and everything back to even a mediocre marriage. At that point, we can work on improving it better than ever. The next day, I want her to leave because I see no hope and have negative thoughts. It was expressed today, she has until August 5th to decide on an apartment with Dale. Will she go? Her thoughts -- the time away will give her the opportunity to determine if she wants her freedom or if she wants me. In the past 2 months, she's leaned more towards her freedom but then again, she's still here. Others have said I'm crazy to deal with all the nonsense, especially Jeff, and recommend I help her pack and 'push' her out. What's the solution?

Tonight I will go out with friends. I know she will be on my mind throughout the night. I want to have a good time but things aren't the same anymore without her 'attention.' I crave her attention so desperately. We've spent a good deal of time together but I still yearn for more --- not just time but quality time.

Tomorrow, we (or Kolin and I at least) will attent Cross Roads Church again. The pastor left me a voice mail. It's great to have so much support from everyone but the one thing I want most --- to be happily married and fulfill the dreams I once had.

I love Charlin -- if you see her, please share it with her.

I was anxious for counseling today. Wasn't sure what to expect. I have continued researching to figure out how to save my marriage and reflected on all the good times. My investigative self has uncovered more than I want to know. Some things weren't as they appeared, others well -- are best left alone at this time.

I've been giving my all in restoring my marriage and praying it will be stronger than ever. My counselor questioned if my efforts had results. As I've known for quite some time now, it's time to 'push' past this time and not use all my resources on us. She is seeking something I cannot provide at this time nor can she define. What makes her happy? Apparently not me.

So my research has turned to preparing for the future -- whatever that may be. I will continue to improve myself in all means necessary. Not for her but for everything my future might hold. God has a plan for me and my family. These are difficult times I must endure.

After counseling, I drove around the various parking lots looking for our Accord. I had a feeling , which was true, she wears her wedding ring only during my presence. She has been wearing it to her car in the morning, then placing it in the cup holder until returning home. I took it but not sure why!? I've put it back into her jewelry box along with a golf ball she got me a few months ago that read 'Wild Fore You.'

I'm not letting go, just not putting so much effort into it.

More tonight, perhaps...

Didn't sleep much at all last night, maybe 3 hours.  Stressed and depressed.  She would not allow so much as a kiss.  I tossed and turned on the couch most of the night watching various tidbits of news, shows, and what not but mostly trying to figure out how to deal with the upcoming events.  Last time I looked at the clock, it was 3-something am.  I finally got to sleep and was awake shortly after 5:00 am when Charlin got up -- said I was snoring.

She is going to sign a 6-month lease and said there are 'no rules.'  Says it will give her the much needed space she needs and in a way to 'see if the grass is greener.'  Doesn't want a legal separation or divorce at this time.  My intellect tells me 'exit stage left' and seek self-preservation.  Love is ... lonely, scary, a time to reflect, to grow ... am I ready for this? 

For the time being, it seems as though my prayers will go unanswered.  I need to focus my energy on myself and my son.  I don't know if I should use this time of separation to 'let go' and prepare for life without Charlin or .... well, I really don't know what to do.  She wants to continue to 'date.'  Is that not awkward?  Is she trying to make it easier on me to let go?  How concerned is she? 

In the past, I was very 'sharp' with my tongue.  I could easily come up with the most hateful things to hurt her (or others) in retaliation.  I've grown, matured in that aspect.  Take this pain and emptiness away.  Pray.

It's Friday and the weekends seem to get longer. 

Everyone's heard the phrase "Actions Speak Louder than Words." If you want people to believe your words , you should "speak" with your actions. What happens when their Actions and their words speak loud?

My wife has told me she will always love me but she's no longer in love with me. She's shared a glimpse of her feelings about Jeff (good good friends, easy to talk to, etc). Meeting him during her day off / his birthday at waterpark. Our intimacy is very limited -- light kissing on rare occasion. Going out without me weekly. She checked out apartments with another friend going through a divorce and has mentioned putting down a deposit. Tonight she asked if I could give her space for 6 months (equivalent to an apartment lease). She keeps her cell phone in her car and doesn't always wear her wedding ring. She has no interest in my emotions / feelings / thoughts / desires -- she's aware of this BLOG but has yet to seek it's 'wisdom.' . . . so many signs are there.

Several people would have given up weeks ago. I've been here giving 150% daily and commiting all my resources to preserving this marriage. I love her more than she will ever know. Perhaps she will return!? If you can't tell, today is a 'down' day. Tomorrow is counseling and I'm anxiously awaiting good conversation and 'expert' advice. I'm very thankful for all the support provided by my friends, family and others. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? I'm not giving up by any means, but I can't continue to putting so much into it. I spend every waking moment thinking about her. I review websites, books and other material on everything relating to marriage and how to improve and / or restore what we had. She's either in a major state of withdrawal (explained here. ) or is beyond return --- perhaps.

Good night, God Bless and see you tomorrow.

Affection is the expression of love in words, cards, gifts, hugs, kisses and courtesies; creating an environment that clearly and repeatedly expresses love.

---

Yesterday, my relationship with Charlin weighed heavily on my mind - not out of the ordinary lately.  I prayed God would intervene in our lives, our family and fulfill my prayers to restore my marriage.  I picked our son, Kolin up from daycare and went home with the strong desire to discuss the issues relating to our living arrangements.  She 'moved out' for one day but feels as though it was too far from Kolin and has since returned.  It's very difficult to live with someone you love so much and not have those feelings reciprocated.  The emptiness within continues.  She had to work late and doesn't feel the need to call anymore to let me know if and how long she will be nor when she's on her way home.  To her, it's a control issue of me needing to know what she's doing every waking moment. To me, it's a common courtesy of knowing what to expect.  It wasn't too long ago that we would call one another quite often regarding our schedules and more.

I questioned her intentions in regards to our living arrangements.  She has a close friend who is going through a divorce at this time who is seeking an apartment and Charlin may seek to sign a lease with her.  I do not want her to go but if it's in God's plan, then I pray she will return soon and with more love and affection than ever.  Yesterday evening I told her I could not continue like this.  She needs to show an effort in one way or another.  I then imagined our home becoming just a house without her in it.  I embraced her and began seeking a bit of affection.  The affection was reciprocated and I was happy for a brief moment.  Never realized my strong desire / need for affection until recently.  The affection would later be her 'small step.'  Thank God, she would also kissed me this morning before leaving for work.

This also brings up issues regarding counseling.  We agreed to seek marital counseling to figure out how to restore our marriage.  We are currently seeing a counselor but it appears he wants to work on our individual problems versus our marriage.  I feel it is important to work on our individual problems but I believe it would be far more beneficial to work on them together.  We have the opportunity to seek additional counseling which I believe would better suit my desires of reclaiming our lost love.  She states she's comfortable with the current counselor and does not wish to see anyone else at this time. 

She's unhappy.  I've tried digging into her psyche to figure out what makes her happy as she's unable to openly discuss it at this time.  I get different answers each week and they're subject to change daily.  I've received good feedback from her 'Emotional Needs Questionnaire.' 

Before I close, there was another statement she made yesterday that bothers me.  "If I give in, you win."  What does that mean?  This is not a power trip.  She believes that if she gives in, I regain the 'control' and she will just have to overlook her unhappiness.  What can I do to make her happy?  I'm willing to do anything!  She doesn't want me to change for her and I agree.  I want to change to be a better person. 

She's aware of this BLOG but has yet to read anything up to this point.  If she were truly interested in us, wouldn't you think she would have a need / desire to review my feelings, emotions, comments, etc.? 

Have a great day.  As always, comments and e-mails are greatly appreciated.  I enjoy the perspective of others!

Yawn....  Good morning beautiful.

Ever woken up by the one you love and seen an 'empty shell?'  Wonder if  you could get inside their mind and figure out exactly what they're thinking and why?  I still find it so hard to believe our relationship is the way it is today. 

Today's a mediocre day -- not in such an up or down mood.  I think "Remain positive and pray!"  Then moments later I'm thinking negative thoughts of this whole situation and how everything has gone so wrong.  I keep thinking God has a purpose for this time in my / our lives but I haven't figured it out just yet.  I pray he opens the necessary doors and close those not intended for me.  Regardless, I'm spiritually stronger today than I've ever been. 

She called him again this morning, 6:19 am to be exact.  Am I crazy to research her phone records, to look through her purse on occasion, to feel so distant from my true love, to wonder what she's doing almost every waking moment and who she's dreaming of when she's at rest?  What do they talk about, how is their relationship, how could she allow someone else to fulfill the void I've apparently left within, how was their day at Big Splash, why, why, why?

No, I'm not going crazy - just getting it out.  I believe most would have left or pushed her out by now.  Am I ignorant, dependent or truly in love?  I believe the latter but each day that goes by, I feel the changes within.  I will ALWAYS LOVE her!  Do I let her go and pray she returns or try and work things out while she's still here?  (she's not willing like myself)  She completed the 'Emotional Needs Questionnaire' from Marriage Builders - I have mixed emotions.   I will complete my portion and perhaps share a bit in the near future.

Thanks for listening

Charlin is back this evening but not quite sure why. I believe the drive to Mannford late evening and getting up early to work out and make it to work by 6:30 has gotten the best of her. I was initially thankful she returned but I have mixed emotions. She went to bed around 6:30 this evening and has not moved. I've been in a rather upbeat mood today but have had something on my mind that won't go away -- Jeff.

Charlin has been speaking to Jeff for the past couple of months. No long conversations via cell phone but never in my presence. Some calls as late as 2:00 am but most just prior to work, their day off (Monday) or while she was out during her 'girls only' nights. When questioned, it's always -- "We're just friends." At one point, she mentioned they're good - good friends and that he's very easy to talk to. When asked what they talk about -- it's about our/their relationship, her requesting he bring her coffee in the morning or what-not. At some point in time a man / husband has to draw the line. Please don't think I'm allowing her to run over me but that's exactly what it may look like.

Last Tuesday, we agreed I would no longer check her calls online and she would no longer speak to Jeff outside of work. I could not resist and she continues to speak with him. Last Friday she called to wish him a happy birthday and let him know she would not make it to his celebration. On Monday (yesterday), she contacted him and they met at Big Splash. What to do!?

First, I believe a wife can have a friendly relationship with a male. I too have friends of the opposite sex. The problems I have is the times of the calls, the privacy of the calls, they're "good good" friends & he's easy to talk to (isn't that what your husband is there for?), his marriage is not 'perfect,' meeting him and his daughters with our son and without first even asking if it would be acceptable. Is his wife Danielle aware of Charlin? How has their marriage progressed? How is their relationship at work? When I took Charlin a bouquet of roses for her birthday, he seemed very uncomfortable and left before eating his sandwich -- quite interesting how analytical I've become during the past several weeks. She has more than enough time to stop by 2 different QuikTrips on her way to work -- she used to not have a problem with that, why now?

As some know, we have began counseling throught our insurance. While seeking counseling, a good mutual friend of ours provided me with information regarding her pastor. He has returned from Germany and is willing to assist us in our time of need. Charlin is not willing at this time to work on our marriage stating she must first work on herself. Until she is happy, she doesn't feel as though she can work on our relationship. I don't want to be offensive as I want the best for both of us but it is disheartening nonetheless.

I married Charlin because she was my best friend, extremely attractive, fun to be around, caring, family-oriented, giving, kind, sexy, very personable, an extrovert (opposite of myself) and everything else I could ask for in a woman. She was there for me through thick and thin even during my 'phases' of the past. After 6 years of marriage, 2 months of 'unhappiness,' her 'phase,' several weekends of 'girls night' out, her absence during family-related work events, the various issues with Jeff and providing little assistance around the house -- what's a man to do?

At this time, I'm standing still. Praying for the best to come out of all this. Looking out for our the best interest of our son. Working on self improvement in various aspects. How long? How much? Why me?

Good night

So I woke up in our king-sized bed alone.  I'm not yet lonely because she fulfills my heart and mind.  There's a subtle sense of peace.  I truly believe things will work out just don't know what to expect nor the timeline of events.  I know it will be difficult but I'm willing to continue to hold on.  For those who know, today is a 'good' day.

At her request, I did call her at 4:30 am this morning to ensure she got to work on time.  She's now working out at Health Zone which is a plus.  We both need to be more active and get involved in our well-being.  I would like to join Health Zone as well but feel it's in my best interest to give her additional space.

'Yesterday' we was dreaming of building a house, seeking financing and researching builders.  Today, we're living in separate houses.

Love is strong yet delicate.
It can be broken.
To truly love is to understand this.
To be in love is to respect this.

Charlin has now moved to her mom's and it really hurts. Expression of emotions both good and bad are extremely important in an intimate relationship. Although we have not been intimate in some time, I feel a strong desire to continue expressing how I feel. She may never read this but as stated before, it really helps to 'get it all out.'

I continue to wonder if this is for good or a temporary situation that I must endure. How long will it last? Will she ever come back home? What exactly is she doing? When does my heart decide to move on? Oh so many questions.

It's incredible how much more I now analyze life and the choices I've made in the past. If I could turn back time, I would make quite a few changes. I've recently evaluated life's goals and have set all new goals in many aspects of my life. I must grow spiritually, emotionally, physically and financially. I deserve so much more and it's time I regain my confidence and motivation to achieve!

She mentioned this evening she believes I am controlling and often times belittle her. I don't wish to make excuses for the way she may view me. Instead of demanding she not spend any more money in the future, I hope we discuss the importance of each buying decision. She loves shopping, traveling and giving. We have lived paycheck to paycheck for several years and it's time to break the cycle. So financially, I must grow. I have already began re-examining my career goals and began seeking a new career path. I would love nothing more to work for a growing company that puts value in it's employees and provides more opporunity for upward mobility. The belittling and condescending remarks will end. It seems as though it became habit and I often would use her as the butt of a joke around our friends.

I'm concerned about 'Jeff.' While at work, I decided to check her cell phone records online and noticed a call to him and to another friend who I knew she was to meet at Big Splash. Needless to say, she spent the day with him and his 2 daughters along with our son, Kolin. "Friends" as usual. She continued stating how many friends I have that are female. She failed to acknowledge we are mutual friends and that I would never go behind her back anywhere with them. This is one issue I am having a big problem with. He too is married and unhappily. He's told me he would leave his wife if it weren't for his two daughters and his wife's (Danielle) income. Calls are always exchanged via cell phone and never at home. Would his wife have the same difference of opinion in their relationship as I do? On Tuesday of last week, I requested she not speak with him outside of work. They've spoke on Friday and today that I'm aware of.

Good night and God Bless! I pray I get a peaceful sleep tonight.

Added a few important links to the blog.  Marriage Builders is a great site for anyone in or seeking a relationship.  It provides great insight on how we deal with one another. 

My Photographic Memories is long-time friend Jennifer Casteel's business / personal photography site.  It's been a long-time hobby and now a part-time business opportunity.

Lil' bit a everything is a friend / co-workers shopping site that features jewelry, T-shirts, and much more.  Check it out!

Got a link you'd like me to add?  Send me the link and tell me why.

God, I know that You are in control, and even though this looks impossible, I know today could be the day that things turn around.  Today could be the day You restore my marriage.

I also pray over Kolin every night.  I seek His guidance in these trivial times.  I pray He watches over our family / friends and keeps us safe from harm.  I pray, I pray, I pray...

Monday morning and much to do.  I continue to find myself always wondering what Charlin is doing, who she's with and if she ever thinks of me anymore.

She's scheduled for counseling today and I pray it's beneficial for her happiness and our marriage.  She allowed me to read her family history form (req'd for visit) and we discussed some of the issues she's trying to deal with.  In short, she's not happy and it appears some of reflective of her past but for the most part -- all the signs say it's me and our relationship. She mentioned a relationship I had in the past, her father and just being unhappy all around at this time.

  I wish I could turn back time and deal with some of the hints she provided along the way.  I also wish she would have argued her point and further discussed the issues with me.  Needlesss to say, communication is one of many keys to a successful relationship.

Today's the day she's moving out.  The emptiness I feel within is somewhat overwhelming.  I want her to come running back and show more affection towards me.  I've been hurt in the past but I have never experienced this much pain.  Tonight I will lie alone in our bed.  Depressing times.

I must return to work.     

Charlin has packed her necessary belongings and upon my return from work tomorrow, I assume she will be gone. Although I'm entirely against the idea, there's not much I can do about it at this time. She knows how much I love her and how hurt I am. I'd like to say it will make things easier for her to leave but I wish she could work through the problems with me by her side.

We spent the entire weekend together but it's just not the same. No more touching, flirting, kissing, holding hands or any other sign of intimacy. I steal a kiss every now and then. I find myself just admiring from afar. It's quite odd to pursue your wife of 6 years.

We didn't go on our date last night. She was sick and didn't feel like going out. It's probably for the best? I had planned to walk along Riverside either near the Pedestrian Bridge or by Jenks' newest development. I feel like God will give me the right words to keep her around.

We met in 1993 while working @ Homeland in Sand Springs. I was a cashier, she was a courtesy clerk who often 'sacked' for me. I flirted with most of the women but there was always something different about her. We would not date until a number of us met at a co-workers birthday party (December 10th) and finally to the Midnight Rodeo. I enjoyed that night with her. We danced together and shared various tidbits of our personal lives. I recall her laying in my lap while I was driving and asked "Are we friends or friend friends?" I said friends. She was somewhat surprised but I would later show her I was interested in being more than just friends. We shared our first kiss that night at my house. Oh how life was so simple back then.

I'm going to close for the night. Please pray for our family. I want nothing more than for me and Charlin to regain the love we 'lost' and flourish as a stronger family.

Writing down my thoughts and emotions has been assisting me deal with a major change I'm going through in my life.

About three weeks ago, my wife told me she was no longer 'in love' with me. I have a huge emptiness within and have had trouble dealing with it. We have had many ups and downs in our 6 years of marriage and 12 year relationship but we've always worked through everything.

It all started a couple of months ago when she stated she was going through what she called 'a phase.' I allowed her space feeling as though it would soon pass but began to worry when she continued going out with her friends stating it was a 'girls only' outing. She says she's no longer happy and her feelings are numb towards me. I am one who believes in the institution of marriage and analyzed life's many changes prior to proposing to her in 1998. How could this happen to me, to us?

I will agree we have not had the fairy-tale marriage as most people dream of. I thought there's nothing we couldn't get through with the exception of an affair. At this time, she's just not happy and sees no future in our family. We've both hurt one another in various ways but most recently, I believe we've just quit communicating.

By the way, we have beatiful son, Kolin who turned 2 in March. He's one of life's blessings and I'm concerned for our future. We had dreams not too long ago and was pursuing building a new home.

On a recent weekend, Charlin decided to go on a weekend float trip with her girlfriends which included an overnight stay on Friday. That night, I 'woke up' to what was happening in my life and began to address the problem. I didn't sleep much that night and made several calls to her cell phone that went unanswered. I knew she was awake and probably have a great time drinking, conversating with friends and what not. What I would later find out, she spent some time on her cellphone talking to another on of her friends, Jeff whom she works with.

I still don't know how to deal with no address the issue but I have put forth 150% to try and make amends and do what I believe is best for this family. I've cried more in the past few weeks than I have in a long time and have began taking anti-depressants. (Perhaps a bit too personal but getting it out helps) I've told her countless times how much I love her and have given my everything in figuring out what went wrong and trying to figure out how someone could just give up and eventually walk away. "Little by little, I just quit caring." That phrase continues replaying in my thoughts and it hurts. It's one of many little statements that has brought concern in my heart. We no longer touch one another and she continues to show various non-verbal signals that it's over. I fear the worst but continue to pray for the best.

I fear divorce and her seeking full custody of our son. It would be a miracle if we would both commit to making it work and improving our marriage. I hope to one day look back on this as a big 'pot hole' or 'speed bump' in life and not the end of the road.

For anyone who finds themself beginning this same process, I would highly recommend
marriagebuilders.com and two books: 'His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage' by Willard F. Harley Jr. and 'Your Best Life Now: 7 Steps to Living Your Full Potential' by Joel Osteen.

More as life continues...