Life as I know it

Do you give 100% to anything?  Sunday's message was great!  It was about giving to your church, your community, your husband, your children, your job and anything else you feel is important.  I can't say that I honestly give 100% to anything in particular 100% of the time.  Doesn't make me a bad person, just a new goal to set for myself -- do more for others and get more in return.

I've been really focusing on my wife, son and ever-extending family.  I want to make an impact on other's lives and at this time, it make me feel happy to know that I mean so much to others.  The more I analyze giving, the more time in general becomes so precious.  Is 24 hours a day enough?  Depends on what you spend your time doing. 

Speaking of time management, I need to get back to work -- much to do.  Have a great day.

 

Today's a very 'low' day.  I thought I was ready to give it all up and make changes to part from her.  I wrote a letter regarding various issues and gave it to her for lunch (yes, she made time for me @ lunch). More later, work is overwhelming.

8.26 -AGGREVATING- Completing a blog, submitting the post and getting an error message and not being able to retrieve what you had taken time to write.  Will copy before submission to avoid in the future.  Deep breath...

So someone I know and love calls me yesterday regarding a possible job -- excellent work, poor pay --  and informs me of why they left their spouse.  They started out as 'friends.'  I won't go into detail but is this yet another 'sign' or just a coincidence?  It all started with an occasional simple compliment and blossomed from there.  It's those little things that mean so much.  The things we had quit doing for one another and what I've been making a habit in the past couple of months.  I started something new.  With a dry-erase marker, I leave a simple love note, comment or whatever I'm feeling at the time on her bathroom mirror.  I try to update each and every day.  I also send her a text message but she doesn't always get them until after work. 

I've seen progress in our relationship but yearn for so much more. . .  God, please restore my marriage, give me the strength to endure through these trying times, make us happy with one another, our family whole again.  Give us health and the ability to grow stronger than ever before.  Watch over our loved ones and guide them.  Amen

The subject may through many for a loop but today will be a telling sign, hopefully.  More at a later date.

Our son has been sick the past two days.  I left work early yesterday to spend time with him and today, she stayed home.  She said the call to Jeff yesterday was a 'test.'  The message left, according to her "Just leaving a message, I will explain later."  We'll see.  Anyhow, son is doing okay but has had diarrhea -- TMI?  We had fun yesterday regardless, got to spend a lot of time playing with him and getting some things done around the house.

Not sure how I'm feeling today, 'partly cloudy' I guess.  Enjoy the day and if you love someone, take a moment to call and let them know -- you could make someone else's day a better one!

I would like to think everything is going well, it is better anyway.  Until today, I quit checking her phone records.  Our cell bill is due today and I said 'while I'm here...'  I didn't check past the first page but she made a call to Jeff this morning - 6:11 am.  Is it a test to see if I'm checking her records or a call to 'meet' one another before work?  My negative thoughts return and I think the worse.  I'm going to do my best NOT to ask or say anything about it, I will start checking again -- this really bothers me. 

Our lives are getting busy.  Friday, we took 'custodianship' of her nephew Andy.  He will be 14 in October and has had a history of problems and abuse.  We had him for 9 months back when he was 7.  At that time, I had a major problem with him in the household and told Charlin one of us had to go.  She was very upset with me back then and was depressed for some time.

Some think I'm crazy.  She thinks I'm doing it to get her back.  So much has changed and it's hard to explain why but he's at a crucial time in his life.  He needs stability and consistency!  He was born a crack baby and has ADHD.  He's been to various counselors and has taken different drugs to aid with ADHD.  So much more but I will limit how much I go into it -- I think it provides enough info and many know him already.  He started school yesterday and is somewhat unsure of how he will like it.  Our part of town has changed so much since we bought our house back in '99 -- the black and hispanic population has grown significantly.  He's always gone to schools that had little diversity. 

We began last night by starting a list of responsibilities and setting the expectation for him.  Once we get in a routine, I believe everything will be fine with him.  

Challenging times.  Praying for strength, endurance and a commitment to make EVERYTHING work out for the best!  I want to provide for all and I'm willing to do what it takes.  God bless.

So much to do and so little time to do it in.

This weekend was a good weekend.  We managed to get a LOT of stuff around the house done and we communicated along the way.  I think it's very helpful to discuss what's bothered us every 2-3 days.  It's challenging to have my mom live with us and we've added another member to our household -- Andrew (Charlin's 13-yr old nephew).  More on that challenge in a future blog.

Much to do!  Leaving work early to take care of this smile.  Staying focused and keeping busy.  Today is a good day and I pray for many more.  Take care!

She actually said it.  No, not 'I love you' -- not in the past couple of weeks but she did say 'We are going to be alright.'  Interesting.  Made me smile.  Made me think even more.

Yesterday was one of the best days I can remember.  Nothing spectacular, just some little things.  She called me more than usual at work and seemed sincere in our talks. I prayed about our Tahoe and the expense and ... well, it hasn't cost too much ... yet -- still having troubles starting.  We also openly communicated some problems we've been having.  We both tend to take small bits from what we share with one another and blow them out of proportion or take them the wrong way.  I won't go into detail but we argued, talked about it and it's better.  Now to keep this momentum up and starting taking more steps forward and less back.

As you read this, whoever your are, I hope your having a good day.  If you have a blog, please share with me -- interesting reading about others.  Does anyone ever use their tbucks?  I have lots to share if you'd like -- having a background in multimedia, you're 'purchasing' simple code that's readily available on the web everywhere.  If you're absolutely intrigued about their banners, I guess that's not such a waste.  I created my simple banner and will likely do more in the near future.  It's 'stretched' so please don't think my son is that 'wide.'  I'll fix or replace soon.  Oh so much to do.

God Bless You and take care!

We sat down yesterday evening to begin our evening discussing the issues and how to resolve.  I tried not to address too many issues as she feels as though she is the problem.  We both have problems but I have already been adjusting and making the necessary changes in my life for improvement. 

We have agreed to commit Monday, Thursday and either Saturday or Sunday to discussing everything that bothers us, how to improve and the like.  We are going to get a new calendar just to schedule our time together and set forth 1 night a week to spend with one another.  She has commited to limiting her time out with the girls to twice per month @ this time.

Today is a new day and I feel better but still have my doubts.  I doubt because my mom answered the phone Monday morning and the caller did not speak -- the call was from her work (Jeff most likely).  I'll not comment further on that at this time as I will figure it out in due time -- hoping I don't find out what I suspect and that it's just my negative thinking. 

God did answer a prayer today.  Our Tahoe has been hard to start recently and dieing on occasion.  I asssumed it was either the batter, starter, alternator or perhaps the fuel pump.  I figured a minimum of $200.  Defective battery -- plus oil change and windshield wiper pump repair -- $58.  All smiles.

Have a great evening

We finally had our first counseling session together.  I'm thankful she's still her and showing some effort but today, I'm somewhat depressed.  Among various other issues, friday night has been bothering me. 

He (counselor) initially asked what we would like to discuss and get out of our session.  We both looked at one another and I took the initiative to let her know I'm not comfortable with her going out with her friends every week and that Friday night really bothered me.  For the first time, I think she kind of seen how I viewed things after he asked how often we go out together.  In the past 3-4 months, we have gone out once -- which was 'interrupted' with her going to dinner with her friends first.  She has gone out with her friends an average of once/week for the past few months.  She stated to him that she encourages me to go out with my friends (without her) but I don't want to at this point in time.  Why?  1. My every thought is about her and wanting us to be happy and in love again. 2. She wants to go out during that same time and I do not wish to leave our son with my mom -- she already does alot for us in his support.  (My mom is currently residing with us)

We've agreed to set aside 1 hour every Monday, Thursday and Saturday OR Sunday for the next two weeks to discuss our goals, issues and objectives as well as plan on how we are going to accomplish each.  We are to set 'guidelines' for one another and set our expectations.  Fair enough -- it's progress!?

He would later discuss 'calling timeout' which I have read about before.  It seemed to be a bit of a waste of time since none of our discussions have ever become 'heated.'  Anyhow, I'm open to change and willing to commit to his suggestions.  After all, I've had a lot of things I would like to utilize but haven't submitted to her because of the controlling issue.  If others suggest it, she seems to be more open to it. 

I continue to pray that God restores our marriage, provides us the strength to endure through these trying times, returns the love and happiness we once shared and shows us the path in which we are to take. 

What really bothered me during our session was a statement she made when he stated he wanted us to return to our 'happy / in love' days.  She said she couldn't think of a time she/we was happy since around the time we got married -- 6 years ago.  I know she has been happy and even within the past year.  I think she dwells on all the negative things that have happened in the past 12 years and it's overwhelming. 

Oh how I love her -- she no longer tells me she loves me and I can see it in her non-verbal actions as well.  She cares but she's no longer 'in love.'

I'm a very analytical person.  I have been thinking about our relationship the whole weekend.  My thoughts go from one extreme to another.  I feel as though we're just co-existing with one another at this time. I continue telling her how I feel about her, expressing my love and showing affection.  She shows some affection in return but never an "I love you."  Yes, I know it will take time but how long!? 

The more I think about Friday night the more I believe she wasn't at 'The Brook' or with her friends -- not all night anyways.  Three hours in a restroom getting sick!?  I believe she drank too much but don't believe she would stay in a restaurant restroom for 3 hours without either calling me or getting the help from one of her friends.

We have our first counseling session together today.  Hope it helps because I really need something positive / good to happen today - I hate my down days!  My bad day started when I woke up before 5 am and didn't get back to sleep until my alarm started going off.  Next, my car wouldn't start.  Finally, I'm late to work and feeling sick.  Now I'm here at work thinking of what I want to get out of today's counseling session and praying for a better week.   

 

So she goes out (happy hour), not such a big deal -- at first.

I last spoke with her around 5:00 pm regarding her plans. She didn't mention where she was going, what time she might be back nor whom she was going out with. I had a vague idea but thought it wasn't asking too much to know. She was supposed to call me back because she had to complete some responsibilities at work before leaving. I wouldn't talk to her again until after 11 pm last night. I did speak with a couple of her friends that had gone to Happy Hour with her and they had left between 8 and 8:30. I called about 10 times last night worried about her. She never returned my calls, checked her voice mail nor even thought that we might wonder. I had our son and her nephew last night.

I finally spoke with her and she was drunk. Said she drank 6-7 'Jack & Cokes' within 2 hours. A 'Stryker' rep paid for their happy hour and they drink a bit too much during these gatherings. Said she had been in the bathroom getting sick since 8 pm. No one ever went and checked on her for 3 hours!? Are they friends or is she feeding me another line? I'm getting fed up. Like a good friend repeated again "when you eat enough *ish*, you'll get full."

Maybe I'll go out tonight.

Fridays aren't the same anymore.  Seems like I'm always more down than up.  She's going out with her friends again and I'll be cleaning her mom's house.  I'll have our son and her nephew.  Fun times!? 

I remember not too long ago how I looked forward to Fridays -- the weekends were great, better anyways.  We still spend time together but it's not the same.  It's the little things that I miss now.  It's the little things that she does that drives me nuts.  Gotta do something else, too many negative things going through my head.  She's going out with her friends tonight.

We went to church and then walking.  I generally wait until just before going to bed to begin talking about the things that really matter to me.  Before starting our walk, I began.  Didn't hear what I wanted but it felt good to communicate and see how she's feeling.

1. She doesn't like the fact that I manage (control in her eyes) our finances.  I've always maintained the checkbook, balancing and borrowing when needed.  I will gladly allow her to take control but I think it might be best to seek separate accounts at this time -- that was a request of hers a couple of months ago. 


2. She believes that I've always looked through her purse, phone records, car, etc.  Not until the last couple of months and another time many years ago (11 yrs ago).  She feels like it's her only privacy and I'm invading.  I look because I'm concerned.  If there's nothing to hide, what's the big deal.  In addition, when we married -- we became one -- or so I thought.


3. She's wanting to cancel her cell phone (we just signed a 2 year family plan agreement) and get her own service / phone.  This concerns me.  I know if she's going to cheat, she will find ways around me.  She works with Jeff and often goes out with her friends without me.


4. She's upset with how I treat our nephews.  I agree I've been too harsh with them in the past but have improved.  This is another area I'm working on and have already noticed improvements.  I mentioned to my nephew (6 yrs old) that we had gone to Big Splash -- she took it as though I was bragging that he did not get to go. 


5. She's not happy.  First she kept saying it's her fault then would later admit what I'm doing that bothers her.


6. Money, money, money.  It's been an issue in our relationship ever since I was 'released' from Hertz.  She's a spender, I'm a saver.

I will agree with her on the money issue.  She has been the bread winner and major supporter of our family for the past several years.  I have began seeking additional opportunities to make extra income and find a better job that fits my career goals and provides a more suitable income.  It's frustrating that I've been through 6 years of college (2 Associates 1 Bachelor's Degree) and make less than she does.  She went to a technical school for one year.  Major difference?  She chose the right field -- medical!  She wants to continue and become an RN.  I would love (and pray) to find the perfect job that would allow her to work less and seek her dreams.  Realistically, it will probably be some time but I will support her regardless. 

I really want this to work out.  I'm very patient (many would say too patient) and will continue striving to restore and improve our marriage.  There's a lot that bothers me but I continue praying God gives me the strength to endure. 

I feel like we're now moving right along and hopefully on the right path.  I would like to discuss what has gone on and work on various things but we seem to keep our discussions 'simple.'  Again, not sure if I should 'push' the issues or remain patient.  I do not want to remain complacent anymore, I want improvement in all aspects.  We're doing well in regards to exercising more, attending church and do a bit more together but there's so much more.  I want to nurture our relationship and start communicating!  Enough for today.

Perhaps I focus on me too much?  Several I's, me's, etc... but she doesn't communicate.  Hmmm...

Patience!?  Next Monday I will address the need to move forward versus simply standing still.  I also need to feedback on another big commitment we're considering but will await more details and response from others before posting.  For those who know us, it's about Andy.

Have a great day!

Shop with me on Ebay! E-mail me or post a comment to this blog and I'll give you $2 off shipping -- this week only. I've got Game Boy Advance and PS2 games, all starting at .01 with NO RESERVE. Bookmark my auctions and check back often. Take care...

It's monday, who looks forward to going to work? The weekend has come to an end and I'm back to work. Okay, not for long. We had scheduled a counseling session for the two of us today but when we arrived, they had it for last Friday!? She always schedules for Mondays as it is her day off. We rescheduled for the following Monday and decided to go to Big Splash --- just the 2 of us.

We had a good time. Hot but who cares when you're with the one you love and at a water park. We rode the Master Blaster, floated around the lazy river, hung out by the other pools, swam a bit in the Wave Pool and rode down the water slide a couple of times. We had planned on going down the Silver Bullet but it was closed today. Regardless, it was actually fun and worth taking 1/2 day off. I was really dreading being at work today, I'm sure work will be awaiting me tomorrow morning.

I'm really hoping she is committed to making this work and not just for the time being. I know I need to be patient, consistent, etc as mentioned in previous blogs but i want it all and now. We are about to commit to something big but I will await that entry for the future --- keep some of you guessing. It's a big commitment but I know I'm ready.

Time for a shower, we walked/jogged 3 miles this evening -- becoming a bit of a good habit! I now need to join a gym to begin working out more. Only time will tell. Good night

Thursday evening and Friday were down days for me. Not exactly sure why but I kept thinking negative thoughts about our relationship. Five good days ruined by a day and a half of negativity. Friday evening was to be planned by me. I wanted to share dinner or a dessert perhaps and then a movie. She called prior to me getting off and asked if she minded if she met some friends for a drink / appetizer. Of course, I said i didn't mind but deep down it bothered me. It was the 3rd time we was supposed to go out and I / she 'ruined' it.

We went to see 'Wedding Crashers' -- highly recommended movie! Very funny. Would have been better had I not been in a sour mood. We were a bit distant from one another. Maybe ---err --- next time we WILL have a good time. I have to remain positive, consistent, persistent and continue praying.

Today has been better. We rented 'Guess Who' -- another recommended movie. Been pretty lazy but got a lot done. Time to shop a bit -- have a great evening.

I asked her to be honest in her feelings -- regarding how she feels about us. "Nothing has changed." I feel that emptiness in my heart again. Nothing? I feel like I'm setting myself up for a big fall again. Just going day by day trying to do the best I can to make her feel happy. Expressing my feelings, showing affection, leaving the notes. Wanted to send her flowers today but .... not sure why I didn't. Everything I do, I feel like I'm wasting my money as she will reply "I would rather had ..."

I'm remaining patient, praying daily and hoping for the best. Emptiness. I need her to be mean if it's not going to work out -- might help me get over her faster. Get over her? Never, I'll love her until the day I die. She means so much to me. Can't believe I went for so long without realizing how much she truly means to me. I wish I could read her mind and provide everything she wants and needs. Also pray she could be content with life and not expect so much. I believe in dreams, goals, etc but she works in an environement where money, plastic surgery and what have you is common. What am I to do?

We're going on a date tonight. Was supposed to start earlier but she forgot about a 'date' she had with another girlfriend of hers. Again, I sat here waiting for her. Not sure how much longer I can continue putting my every thought, emotion, etc into this. Yes, she's worth it but I feel like I'm getting nowhere.

Be positive, pray, remain positive, hope, reach for your dreams. I love her!

As a couple we must grow.  I want the best for my family and need to be creative and make the most of our time together.  I've been looking into things to do that are different.  We need to return to our spontaneous days - of course we had more money then but again, creativity. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!  So much to do and so little time to do it in - back to work.

Today is a good day, enjoy!
"Sometimes one smile means more than a dozen roses." - a Promises message

I guess it's one of those male things.  Figure out what's broke and fix it as soon as you can.  Okay, depends on exactly what it is as to when we'll get around to fixing it.  My marriage is at the top of the list, for me anyhow.  Figure it out . . . fix it now.

Now I find myself wanting to get right to the core of the problems and fix them -- NOW.  Things have improved but she's still not 'happy.'  She can't tell me what will make her happy, just that she's unhappy at this time.  Although I feel better now that she's still here and we're a bit affectionate towards one another, I still sense her need for space - but why?  She looks at our 'material' things and asks "Is this it?  Is this all we have to look forward to?"  Many would say she's high maintenance, materialistic or the like.  I agree to some extent.  The problem is we have not progressed in income as we would have liked or should I say, I have not.  I made more money in 1999 than I have in the past 5 years (not combined). 

I'm doing something about it but it too will take time.  I'm applying for various jobs that appeal to me but can't seem to find enough time in the day to accomplish everything.  Speaking of time, I best get back to work.  Have a great evening.

Initially, I was going to post a minimum of one thought / idea / or whatever daily.  My wife does not think it's appropriate to share our life with the world so I will oblige.  Although she wants me to continue, I know it bothers her so I will be more limited in what I share going forward.  It's been good 'therapy' for me to get it out and express my emotions, concerns, thoughts, etc.

I did not schedule another individual counseling session Monday as I see it as a waste of time/money.  I feel as though I know what my personal problems are and am willing to work on them -- already started actually.  Next Monday, I hope to join my wife for our first marital counseling session.  I pray it's a positive experience for both of us. 

Although things have improved, she's still not HAPPY.  When asked what would make her happy, she cannot answer.  She feels as though things are 'okay' and that's what she's always accepted in life.  She wants more as do I -- hope we can achieve it together.  She fell in love with me many years ago because I was going to college and had big dreams.  Somewhere along the line, I quit setting goals and became complacent.  I have a new motivation to seek a better job / career.  My background is business management, customer service / sales and graphic / web design.  Various positions and decsions have led me to where I am now in the telecom world.  My goal is to make $50,000/yr before I turn 35 -- now 32.  I was close to that in 1999 but was terminated from Hertz.  My 2nd most depressing time in my life next to the ordeal I'm facing now. 

We're not happy with our current house, income, living arrangements (my mom lives with us), nephew visits (both sides), and so much more.  I want to do everything I can but feel as though the financial issues are somewhat overwhelming.  I'm not sure if I will ever be able to satisfy her needs.  Her mom spoiled her as a teen and she almost expects me to continue that lifestyle.  I too want to look nice but am not as materialistic.  Her current position within the medical field has a big influence as well -- many of her co-workers either make considerably more than we do or their spouses do. 

I don't want her to be just 'okay.'  I refuse to settle with the status quo and hope to exceed my expectations and fulfill some dreams I've had.  I deserve more and now is the time to make my/our dreams a reality. 

Thanks for listening - I enjoy your feedback.