Life as I know it

     In the past, I had my priorities wrong.  I had no vision of tomorrow and was simply living day to day in search of --- well --- nothing.  I wake up, go to work and accomplish little.  I'm great at what I do (telecom) and helped many others and flirted along the way.  I assisted in the training of others and was also a mentor.  What started out so innocently, ended up SO wrong.  I lost the respect of my peers.  Rumors (mostly) were rampant and life became stressful trying to balance my work life, the 'other' life and my marriage.  In doing so, I almost lost THE MOST IMPORTANT person in my life, my wife. 

     For those following my daily blogs, you probably realized the day I 'woke up' and assessed my life.  I was lonely and my marriage was in ruins.  We still came home, slept in the same bed and shared some things but for the most part -- we were just 'there.'  We quit showing one another affection, contemplated separation and/or divorce and I'm confident we both had someone else on our mind quite often. 

more later...

What will tomorrow bring?  High anxiety today but not at a low!?

I know to think positive, pray harder and be consistent in my drive to maintain and rebuild my family.  I've kept telling myself that if X happens then it's over.  X will happen and I establish a new X.  I'm to the breaking point and there has to be an end to establishing a new X (boundary if you will).  We've been through so much in the past 5 months and it's time for the changes to be very apparent or it's over.  Several say it should have been over a long time ago but they don't know everything nor how important my family is to me.  I've always been told to stay out of others relationship problems and I think I somewhat understand it now.  You generally get a biased view from one side or the other and even then you don't fully see the entire 'picture.'   You provide suggestions and/or feedback based on what limited information you have.  (i.e. if you've been following my blog over the past 2 months, you would think she's mostly to blame and only one to have had an affair) 

At this point, the relationship between Charlin and Jeff has to be non-existent.  I will continue to monitor the phone calls, it's my little means of trying to build trust again and the easiest way to test her honesty.  She has agreed to totally end her relationship with him.  I get so angry, upset and so many other emotions overcome me just thinking about 'them' -- will we ever be able to trust one another again?  is this going to work out? 

I can't believe this has happened.  I want it to all go away.  I want us to be US again.  Yes, I, I, I!  I want it all and soon.  May God be with US!  There's a lot to be accomplished, I need help, we need help. Even when you call out for help, how do you be specific, how does one know how or when to help?  We need spiritual guidance, financial assistance and emotional recovery.  How do we stay together and make this work for both of us?  She seems willing to make it work but is she truly committed? 

High anxiety but not at a low!?  I've very anxious what tomorrow brings.  I'm extremely worried she won't be by my side.  I want us to be together forever but not as we are now.  There's so much we can do together, so little I feel I can do without her.  I love her!  It's odd how I can't imagine life without her - then can see life without her in it.  Both are going to be a struggle to manage but who said marriage was easy?   

I feel as though I've hit rock bottom but how would I know?  I can think of more things that could go wrong but I'm mentally at a low I've never experienced.  So much happened this weekend.

Charlin and I went out Friday night but neither had much fun.  Went to Fish Bonz and saw our favorite band - 'The Plumbers.'  I don't know why I thought it was important to go out to a club and drink but I felt as though if I showed her we could have fun at the club, she would be more willing to invite me along on her 'girls only' trips.  My first 2 disappointments of the weekend:  1 - we didn't have much fun. 2 - I drank too much and went into atrial fib and was cardio-converted the following day. 

All week she has been 'excited' and kept asking if it would be okay for her to go with the girls on Saturday night.  We agreed twice a month in counseling but I still feared what she might be doing.  She ended up not going but my 'research' would reveal more than I wanted to know.  I won't go into all the details but we both have had an affair in the past 6 months.  Although she went further physically, we both have sinned and it hurts! She says they both agreed it was a mistake, regret it and that they are better as just friends.  She has remained in contact with him even outside of work. The phone calls are all from her to him.  She wants me to believe they can have an innocent relationship.  I want her to know I cannot continue our marriage with them having any type of relationship.  I would love for her to get a job in a different department and soon.  They currently work in the same department and have the same working hours Tuesday through Thursday.  She works for one of the largest employers in Tulsa and the largest hospital -- there has to be other opportunities.   

I don't want to see our family broken up.  I can't imagine life without my Kolin or Charlin.  I love them both so much.  Where does one go from here?  We have agreed to try and forgive the past and focus on the future.  I can't stop thinking about everything that has gone on and have analyzed it over and over again.  I know where I went wrong and think I know what needs to happen for all to be better.  It's going to take a lot more time than I once imagined.  She agrees that it will take time to heal these wounds and states she's willing to make it work.

Only time will tell.  I pray God restores our marriage and provides us the strength to endure through these trying times.  I want nothing more than for our marriage to be better than ever.

She's put on a 'happy face' and has remained living in our house (no longer a home).  I truly want her to be happy with me and in love again.  I don't want her to act as though she's happy. 

We discussed the issue regarding Jeff and I asked her to put herself in my shoes.  She stated they had 'backed off.'  Whether or not their relationship is 'harmless' it will always concern me!  I do not approve of them and probably never will.  I've said it before but they've never been in my company and had a conversation - how convenient!?  It's almost always about work or more recently testing to see if I was still checking her records. 

I asked her to respect my wishes too many times.  I'm to the point of requesting she seek another department and/or place of employment.  Or perhaps 'push' her to get her own apartment and 'find herself' give her the 'time' she needs. 

We both agree it will take time to get back to where we was and build from there but when she disrespects me (who is supposed to be her best friend, husband, lover, etc) it really hurts.  If they're just friends, it appears as though it would be easy to limit their conversations to the workplace.  I have several co-workers who are female that I never talk to outside the workplace.  If I do (rare occasion), I do not mind my wife's presence and would allow her to listen in, record or do whatever to show to her.

It's a Friday and most people are thanking God.  I'm fighting all the negative thoughts and what's to come.  Are we going to grow together or will we push one another away?  I feel this wedge between is getting greater although several things have improved.

I pray God aids in restoring my marriage and soon!  I pray for the strength to endure through these trying times and the wisdom to deal with each day appropriately.  God Bless you all.

When your spouse informs you that something bothers them, do you take it to heart?  I know some things may be menial or trivial but do you communicate with one another to figure out the root?  Although I've not always practiced it, listening to your spouse and/or significant other is extremely important! 

I went to bed angry, upset, mad at the world.  I didn't sleep well and feel even worse today.  I asked what was so important this time that she had to call Jeff again -- she asked why I was checking her records.  She is responsible for the schedules each morning and assigned nurses/tech to cases.  It just so happened she assigned Jeff to a 7:00 am case and her boss asked her to call him to ensure he gets to work on time.  Whatever!?  They both are supposed to be there at 6:30 which in my opinion should provide plenty of time to be ready.  I know patients arrive early and doctors will sometimes 'push' cases early but I don't buy it.  It's 'the wedge between us.'  As far as checking her records, I'm guilty!  Wish I would take the time to put up an opinion poll to see how others feel about spouses going through one another's cell phones, purses/wallets and vehicles -- is it wrong? 

In my opinion, if there's nothing to hide or suspect, what's the problem?  Have a good day.

Today is NOT a good day.  I didn't sleep well, woke up late with a sore throat and I absolutely hate coming to work anymore.

So why the subject line?
09/06  05:16 PM  TULSA  918-688-5419  DT  M2MCNG  6

Shall I explain?  Yesterday she made another call to him -- it's yet another call to Jeffrey Lynn Batchelor, her coworker and in my opinion the person she's been having an affair with.  I'm not an idiot by any means and I've done her wrong in my past, even more recent than I will admit.  I want to put it all out on the table and hopefully be able to forgive and build a stronger marriage than ever before.  I do want her to be happy but I want it to be with me. 

If I had the money, I'd hire someone to 'monitor' her.  I've asked her to respect my wishes as her husband and friend.  I would expect the same from her -- although she would have left me a long time ago!  I've now asked her not to call him (4X now) but he's apparently more important.  I'm angry and upset.  It's a day I want to give up.  She has continued to be somewhat selfish and wants more material things. 

I don't know what to do...  I best get back to work, I'm becoming overwhelmed.

I love my wife!  In recent months I have given more of myself and my resources to saving my marriage and to the person who I love more than she will ever know.  Crazy how things happen -- I can remember having thoughts that if she ever left, I'd be better off.  Then, when there's the actual possibility of her leaving, I can't imagine my life without her -- I was dieing inside.  We've gone throught a lot in the past 3-4 months and I hope it continues to improve.  I continue giving 100% (or as much as I can -- others can make that quite difficult at times) and hope that some day she puts forth that same effort.  I let her know how much she means to me everyday, I don't let her forget that I love her, I send her a text message almost daily and update our 'note' which is left on her bathroom mirror. I continue to be affectionate, pray for oh so many things, spend precious time with family and I GIVE.  She's always been a giver but I don't think she ever realized that I need something in return, even if just a bit.  I don't want to sound selfish -- so am I?

Even the simplest thing of saying "I love you."  I remember in the past when I used to always be the 2nd to say it - "love u too" - it was always quick and I don't think I always said it with meaning.  She says it on rare occasion and that bothers me.  She once said, you love me 'in your own weird way.'  I reallly love her!  Maybe a large tattoo across the back will do?  If you know me, you might laugh at that one -- never a tattoo in this precious body.  (that sounds kind of gay for a guy to refer to his body as precious!?)  Weird, random thoughts.  But honestly, am I expecting too much for an "I love you" more often?  Maybe it's just the bad feelings, negative thoughts and what have you I'm experiencing today. 

I don't have the slightest thought of her leaving now but I still don't feel as though she's 'all there.'  I'll continue to pray! 

Long time no 'blog.'  I've been doing more to get prepared for the future and spending more quality time with family.  Tuesday evening went to the Tulsa Drillers game, Wednesday night church, last night University of Tulsa football.  A busy yet enjoyable week so far -- perhaps a relaxing weekend!?

Not going to mention the help that TU needs, they lost 41-10 (http://tulsahurricane.collegesports.com/" title="http://tulsahurricane.collegesports.com/" target="_blank"http://tulsahurricane.college...).  My team is OU Sooners but I support ALL area teams! 

My heart goes out to all the victims of Hurricane Katrina -- I pray.  It's hard to get away from all the media, most of it depressing.  Gas prices are $3.19 here in Tulsa -- would you ever think that Tulsa, Oklahoma was once the 'Oil Capital of the World?'  Go figure.

Back to work.... gotta submit my resume to more place, there's something better for me out there just waiting for me!