Life as I know it

Not sure where to begin today.  Back close to square one and feeling like I either need to try a new approach or figure out how to go on and learn from the mistakes I / we have made.  The emotions are very human.  What do you do when your heart wants something so bad but your mind plays on your emotions and doubts your ambition.  I am dedicated, determined, committed to making this work.  But to what extent can I handle the stress of it all?  She knows how much I love her.  She sees my trying so hard to make it all work.  She shows some appreciation. 

But...  When asked to be 'brutally honest,' she expresses her desires to be apart.  That she has deep feelings towards him and although she loves me, she's not 'in love' with me.  Wants separate accounts from time to time.  Says she depends on me so much.  Responds with an 'I love you' and often is the first to state such.  Too many conflicting statements.   

God, I know that You are in control, and even though this looks impossible, today could be the day that things turn around.  Today could be the day the you Restore my marriage.'  

This past weekend was quite difficult.  She expressed the difficulty in trying to get back what we had.  Said she's not sure that she can regain those feelings, the respect she once had for me and continue with know who she is as an individual.

In marriage, you become one and will lose a sense of your 'self.'  You will continue to be yourself and hopefully make the necessary changes to satisfy one another for the betterment of your family, relationship and children.  I wasn't always so willing nor in fear of losing her.  Not sure why I ever sought the attention of others.

Right now I feel desperate.  Needless to say an extreme down but not like yesterday.  I continue to profess my undying love for her, how committed I am to making this work and began praying WITH her last night.  I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do or if I need to refocus and try new things.  On one hand, I feel that leaving daily notes on her mirror, an occasional love note, sending flowers (more in the past 2 months than I have our entire 6-year marriage), making coffee for her each morning and doing more chores around the house and then some-- she will be satisfied.  After reading more of a 'self help' book last night,  I think I might need to focus more on me.  I ask her to be 'brutally honest' and when she is, it REALLY hurts.  Last night she committed to tr ying on making it work through the holidays.  We will re-evaluate everything at the New Year and determine where to go from there.  I'm thankful but I feel like it's an expiration date.

I've got to remain optimistic and continue to be focused on today and the future.  I can't imagine tomorrow without my wife and son there.  We WILL be happy again.  We WILL be in love again.  I WILL do whatever it takes to keep my family together.  How can I ensure her she is my #1?

Work to do, please pray!

Not sure what to say nor how to get my 'life' back. She means the world to me. We had a long talk today and she's decided to move out to try and 'find herself.' Not gonna provide all the details but it's just not there anymore -- for her anyway. She said she has no respect for me, is not 'in love' and not sure how to regain those feelings anymore. I can see it. We both have our lows and it's come down to this.
She went out with her friends last night to Oktoberfest. They apparently had a great time and she said she missed going out with her girlfriends. On the other hand, I was a wreck. She didn't take her cell phone and never returned my calls. I'm losing faith, my wife and my family.
I just want to cry and get away from it all. I've been extremely devoted to our family and making everything 'perfect.' She says she just doesn't feel like coming home sometimes. I can't wait for her to get home.
If / when she moves out, I need something to do. Something else to focus on besides what's going on. I know there's thousands of people who go through divorces and many more things that are depressing in people's lives but it's so hard when you're caught in the middle of it all. Time to focus on different goals and improve myself and live for me and my son. It's extremely hard to imagine life without her -- even harder without her and Kolin. She knows how much I love her and our family. She just doesn't have those mutual feelings. She doesn't want to continue with the 'happy face' and go on like everything is okay.
I'm closing now. I will continue to blog as it's great therapy.

I believe I am about to delete my entire site. It has served it's purpose and I've somewhat lost interest. Perhaps I will begin a new one in due time about less personal topics.
Things continue to improve between me and my wife. My love, admiration, friendship, thoughts and more continue to mature as we re-establish our relationship. I thank God for the many blessings and continue to pray daily that He restore our marriage and that it's soon better than ever. I've asked Him to close the doors in which I shall not enter and open new opportunities for me and my family. A new career path is there, I must locate it and take advantage of it. I continue to submit resumes and network.
Oh how random. Have a great life for those I don't speak to often. If you need a banner, send me an e-mail and I'll see what I can do. 1graham@cox.net - subject line :: tblog would be recommended so i don't delete it assuming it's junk mail. I'll leave the remainder up for a limited time.
God Bless and take care1

Greg Graham

It's amazing how much I value and appreciate my wife and family.  We've gone through some very hard times in recent months.  I hope, with the continued help from God, friends and family, that we continue to grow.  I still have a sense of insecurity and anxiety but that too is improving.  We have spent a great deal of time together and had a few disagreements but we have improved communication and how we deal with 'life.' 

Andrew has been living with us and although challenging, it's ultimately a good thing.  Six years ago I was ready to leave her because of him (he lived with us for 9 months) but things have changed.