Life as I know it

Her actions speak louder than her words.  Last Saturday she claimed she wanted to try again.  Holding onto that least bit of hope, I agreed.  We had what's likely our last date on Wednesday.  She arrived at home (now just a house without her) and we waited for my mom's arrival to watch Kolin.  During the wait we agreed not to talk about the past nor issues relating to such.  He called during our wait and she started to walk away to chat with him.  Her answers were yes, no, yes, I'll call you tomorrow.  Like she does when I'm on the phone, I kept asking "who's that? who's that?"  I then walked up to her to listen and noted his voice.  I should've made her move on at that time but I proceeded to dinner.

I wanted to play 'hard to get' and not pay so much attention to her.  I wanted her to believe I was great and her absence isn't bothering me anymore.  I wear my emotions on my sleeve and couldn't hold back. 

I told her I was going to be fine.  She's fallen in 'love' with another and it's killing me.  I can't share and don't want to just be friends.  I thank God for Kolin.  Had I known we wouldn't last forever, I wouldn't have sought to have children.  I grew up in a broken family and I know how it is.  She cried too but for different reasons.  She apologizes for hurting me but still hasn't apologized for affair.  No, she's not 100% to blame as I've done my fair share of seeking the attention of others but I never slept with anyone nor gave my heart to another.  Regardless, their affair has now broken up 2 families.  I want her to be happy but NOT with him.  I have so much anger within.  Several ask why I'm just mad at him and not her.  I love her. 

Let those you love know how much you love them.  If your feeling even the slightest bit discontent, please communicate to your loved one and do whatever it takes to keep the love alive.  Do something different, something new.  Again, I'm going to focus my efforts on "moving on, moving up."  Hopefully this will be the worst holiday season of my life -- it's been hard. 

Love you Charlin!  Gregory

This past weekend was crazy.  I went out both Friday and Saturday night and had a good time but the following day wasn't as much fun -- age perhaps!?  Saturday was quite difficult.  We had Thanksgiving at my dad's family and it was the first time I've been without Charlin -- I realize more than ever how important family is to me! 

Saturday night (early Sunday morning) she called and asked for me to come to her rescue.  She had locked her keys in her car at the club she was at.  I anxiously went but was quite upset / angry / enraged when I arrived and she was there waiting with Jeff in his car.  She grabbed me, held me, kissed me and told me how much she's missed me and wanted to try again.  Am I an idiot or what?  In the back of my mind, I was thinking BS but then again, I 'melted.'

We've been talking more this past week and we're going on a 'date' tonight.  I'm NOT getting my hopes up -- I know she's still talking to him.  This can't go on much longer.  There's a 'point of no return' and it's closely approaching.  I have to focus on regaining my family or moving on, moving up.  She misses that I took such great care of her but as she said, 'it's' just not there anymore.  She's willing to try and make it work, again.  As stated previously, only time will tell.  I am doing what's necessary to care for myself, Kolin and our future. 

God bless and have a great Thanksgiving!

Today is a better day.  I cooked her dinner last night (steak, new potatoes, broccoli & cheese and wine).  It was a nice evening.  We were 'close' but as she said -- it was like we was dating again.  Yes, married people date but I didn't take it in that manner.  It was more like we was on a date and she wasn't interested.  Awkward feelings when you've loved this person for 12 years and married for 6.

Life goes on.  Time is on my side today - or so it seems.  I wonder if it's time to close the book (on us / Charlin) or pray that this is just the end of a bad chapter?  It's time to give her space, allow her to see the world from a different perspectiv e, without me, without our family - together.

I will continue to pray for us but I must focus my efforts on me and Kolin.  So much to do.   

It's so hard to not think about everything that I've lost. She's spending the evening with him and it hurts so bad. She was supposed to go 'swimming / work out' at The HealthZone (St Francis' Hospital gym) but I know otherwise thanks to my resources. She spent last Wednesday with him as well. She's not answering her phone. I can't get her off my mind. I want to go find her and show her the pain she's causing but what's that ultimately going to accomplish?

She knows how I feel. She sees the pain and she seems sincere when expressing that she's sorry to hurt me. I keep reflecting on various statements she's made in the past few months :: "Little by little, I quit caring." :: "I love you but I'm not 'in love' with you anymore" :: "I have very deep feelings for him" :: "He was there for me when you weren't" :: oh so many more. You would think I would get so angry and or upset that I could easily go along. I keep trying to tell myself that I don't love her, to go on and that life has so much more in store for me. I then look back on the past several years and with the exception of our son, what have we accomplished? She's continued to grow as a person and in her career. I've been complacent and lazy. I keep trying to re-establish my personal goals but find myself having the most difficult time focusing without her in my life. Rejected? Of course. Maybe if we didn't have a child and Andy didn't come back into our life it would be different. I have to face reality and do what's best for me and our son.

It's going to take time and I'm fully aware of that. I pray to God several times a day for the strength and wisdom to move beyond this. It's overwhelming.

Good night and God bless. Please pray

She called shortly after I got off work and asked if I wanted to come out, visit and have dinner.  Of course, I did.  She now lives 30 miles away but it seems so much further.  I was anxious to see her as always.  I try to remain focused on not expressing anything emotionally to her.  I try not to touch her in any manner but she's so irresistible.  But then again, I have negative thoughts of her with Jeff.  Things are different between us.  I never imagined life without her even when I was angry and would express to my discontent to my friends.  It was mostly related to her spending habits.  She's high maintenance and I guess I couldn't maintain. 

Praying for the upswing and soon.  I have to regain my faith and get through this one way or another. 

Heartbroken and depressed... G

Not sure what's changed but I feel a sense of security today.  I know it's NOT going to be the end of the world if she doesn't return.  Yes, it's me writing this (LC).  We got to spend some time together yesterday and it was good.  I still wanted to kiss, hold and cuddle with her but there was a sense of peace there.  We sat down and discussed our finances (or lack thereof) and who will be paying what, etc.  It was good to get that 'out of the way.'  Hopefully we can come to an agreement with Kolin and schedule our time with him better.  It's been aggrevating during the last minute and daily changes she's requested but I've been flexible.  I try to focus on what's best for Kolin and what the most reasonable man would do. 

May the thoughts of anger subside and the feeling of hopelessness be gone. I deserve better than what the world has shown me lately and I'm going to get it!  God be with me during these trying times and give me the strength to endure. 

She knows how I feel about her and it's now time to give her the space she wants.  Perhaps she may never return but she'll always know how I feel.

 

Mixed emotions. If she was to return home today, I would be more than ecstatic. It's not going to happen. Not anytime soon. It was me and Kolin this weekend and all I could think about was her not being here with us. But instead of being bummed about it (not all weekend anyhow) I kept myself busy with him and chores. Got quite a bit done and enjoy the time spent with him. She picked him up this afternoon and then, downhill. Kind of expected but I hope to improve my emotional state and soon.

We spoke on the phone for about 30 minutes. She again apologized for me being heartbroken and stated she doesn't want to get my hopes up but we need to work on ourselves and possibly, us in the future. Whatever! (so I say). Although I smiles, I couldn't help but think of all the new experiences she's seeking. Sushi, church with others, calling him almost daily, Brawl at the Brady (ultimate fighting) and who knows what else. She never wanted to do those things with me. Am I that boring?

Ok, I deserve better than this. I didn't go to church today. I expected her to come get Kolin for breakfast this morning but she never showed up, never called. Enough for now. Have a great evening and pray for me. Pray for us, pray for my interview tomorrow -- it's a good opportunity for me.

Gotta keep it short, my last blog never posted and I didn't want to re-hash all the negative thoughts again.

That's my current 'attitude.'

She had it all -me!  I continue to check her phone log and see that he's much more important than our family.  I'm not sure what checking her records are doing me but I feel as if I see enough and get mad enough -- it will defintely be over.  At some point, it will be beyond the 'point of no return.' 

Maybe her and Jeff are 'meant to be.'  Maybe it's just negative thinking but dear God I miss her and want her to be in MY LIFE again.  I promise to take care of her until the end.

Oh well.... not in the mood for bloggin tonight.  Doing what I shouldn't be doing.  More later, perhaps...

My heart is aching and I can't stop crying. She moved out yesterday. I helped her pack. She's talking to him and most likely will pursue him more now that she's out. She continues to blame it on us, I blame it on him. I know that I was not always there for her but we shared our vows, we have a child and our family was most important.

There's so many things I want to point the blame at. Me. Her. Him. God. I'm on a down and feel like I just want to run away from it all, be alone, seek revenge, give up and so many other things. It's human, it's normal. I've read several books and websites on how to restore our marriage, regain her love and so on but I now feel it's time to seek guidance on separating.

What about Kolin? Where do I go from here? How long does it take to get over the love of your life? How do I pay the bills? Do I seek legal separation or divorce now or do I give it time?

It's time to let go and hope for a new tomorrow.  I've done everything I can to regain her love, respect, friendship -- our family!  Perhaps several things I have done have pushed her away but I'm human too.  Over time, I will heal and life will go on.  She knows how I feel about her and that I will do ANYTHING for her, no matter what! 

I'm going to focus on getting over her and resetting my personal goals and dreams.  It's extremely difficult to imagine tomorrow without her or what will become of all this but it's that time.  She's repeatedly expressed her disinterest in getting 'us' back.  I need to reach out to old friends, family and get involved with life.  You never know what tomorrow might bring.  I've never taken such a 'fall.' 

May God give me the strength to endure, the motivation to succeed and the might to hold my head high!