Life as I know it

Love is blinding and I've done everything I can for her. I hate that I continue to do little things for her this week. It's time to be selfish.

I've repeatedly asked her to consider going before 1 attorney or 1 mediator to work out our divorce and custody. Her attorney, W. Allen Vaughn, has her convinced that with her retainer of $2,000, he will have the case resolved and she can not lose what she's asking for. I'm intimidated. God willing, the courts will provide justice and Kolin will be given fair treatment and both of us time with our son. We both have many strengths and weaknesses. In the state of Oklahoma, it is common for the mother to gain custody unless the father can prove her unfit. Asking 50% physical custody and no child support -- fair? She's asking for joint care custody plus child support. In addition, she's asking for exclusive possession of our house during the trial. Life is testing my ability to withstand the storm. I am strong!

I have been seeking the advice of various attorneys, friends, family and divorce / custody related websites. I have a lot of work ahead of me and I'm feeling more overwhelmed than ever. I've never been able to ask anyone [with the exception of my Mom]for assistance with anything! I take pride in that and it's hard for me to ask friends / family for money. I have 2 attorneys I'm interviewing and will decide on one of them. Now -- how do I come up with $3,500? If I get another job, I lose time with Kolin. I can't sell my personal belongings. I continue to send out resumes but it's so hard for me to focus during interviews.

It's hard enough to face the reality of losing who you thought was your soul mate. Now I'm facing the potential loss of all that we've built together and my son. It tears me up inside. I could potentially spend thou$ands and lose it all. I wish we could turn back the clock and do things differently.

I still wear my ring and I tell her I love her every day. I made a vow before God.

I'm going to do something 'odd' and uncharacteristic of myself. I'm going to add a link for anyone who wishes to donate money to my cause. Any help is greatly appreciated. If there's anything I can do to help you, let me know -- I'll see what I can do.

God bless to all and continue to keep us in your prayers!

I knew yesterday I would be served with divorce papers today. My stomach was in knots all day and i felt an illness like never before. I have failed but I will get back up and move on, move up.

It's really hard to face that soon I will not be with our son, Kolin day in and day out. He has been my world for the past 3 years and I have sacrificed career for family -- I will find a balance in the coming months / years. He is 'Da-e's boy' as he always says. I would give EVERYTHING we own if I could just have my son. She's asking for far too much in the divorce decree and it's going to take a lot of time, expense and will power to make it through. I have to change my focus of regaining her love to getting beyond 'us.'

The accusations she has made has really been making it hard. What was to be a 'fair offer' has turned out to be a bit more. She could have asked for more. She's overstepping her boundaries. I'm NOT confident in my current attorney and will likely seek the assistance of one who will represent my rights as the best father.

I hope to have living arrangements that are suitable for Kolin and I. Tonight we prayed that He keeps our spirits lifted high and that nothing tears us apart. He knows how upset I am and it makes it that much more difficult. We prayed that God gives us the strength, wisdom and knowledge to come through this and make every decision the right one for us. Thanks for listening.

It's going to be a difficult road ahead. I've never faced the loss of a love one -- who stil blesses us with her presence her on Earth. She loves someone else and I have to accept that. I have to focus on healing. I have continued to hope and pray for our marriage to be restored. I'm changing my prayers, my way of thinking and my life.

I know I deserve more than what I've been given and I'm going to go out and get it. Things could be worse. I'm fortunate enough to have loved and be loved. I will find that again. My heart will mend and I hope to be 'whole' again. Good night and God Bless.

we, or i am trying to make this marriage work. she's in love with another man and we're both to blame. at various times, i hold the burden on myself knowing that if i never took her off that pedestal, she never would have sought the attention of someone else. for the past year, i've been fighting for my wife, my family, my son and 'my life!' we have made ground but we don't make it far before she decides to reach out to him. he has her believing he is the most perfect person. she tries to convince me that it's not him that i should be worried about. perhaps she's right?

she returned 'home' on december 28th and although extremely trying, i was happy, content and i had high expectations that life was on it's way to recovery. before too long, i would discover that what i want to see is not necessarily what's happening before my eyes. she sleeps in the same bed, we share dinner, we somewhat share the responsibilities around the house, we, well.... we're here. we have been attending church regularly and i've been seeking His guidance. i've been desperate.

yesterday's service spoke directly to me. do not doubt God. how can i not doubt? it's not only in my mind -- it's in my heart, my voice and more. i want to believe she is or will seek forgiveness for her own actions but ...

today, she contacted her mom. she asked her to contact jeff and see if he could meet her. perhaps he wasn't available as she says, i don't believe it.

i was already on my way 'down.' i have to get off this emotional rollercoaster and perhaps 'try' a new ride, 'try' a new park, 'try' to live life for God, for myself, for my dear Kolin. Kolin is my world and i do not want to spend a day without him. he is extremely wonderful! he is everything a father could want in a son and he's growing up so fast. soon, he will likely be spending a portion of his time with her and a portion of his time with me. it hurts me now to imagine the time away from him -- even for a weekend. we do everything together! i never could have imagined the immense love that would grow for a child. i now understand the meaning of unconditional love! i do love Charlin but the love i have for my (our) son is so different. i know they're not the same 'love' but.

Charlin has been a blessing to me. she has showed me so much in life. we've been through so much and i pray she continues on with a happy, loving life regardless of what her / our future holds. i can't deal with the pain. someone recently commented that when the pain exceeds the happiness (and the hope for), i will be able to go on. tonight, i feel i should and can go on. tomorrow will likely be different.

i don't know what tomorrow will bring but i pray that God lifts me up and helps me through these trying times. i've never been able to count on anyone but myself. i've been on such a low and it's time for me to be lifted and renewed.

i have so much to offer to this world and i have yet to share it. Dear God, please extend your gracious love on me. please be with my family and everyone involved. allow us to grow in your kingdom and to learn from our mistakes and misfortunes. i ask that you take special care of kolin and charlin, they both mean a lot to me. please be with me and provide me the strength, courage and willingness to continue and become stronger. i ask that you open the doors of opportunity for me in every meaning of the word, in every area of my life. i need guidance through these times and i need help. i do not like asking for help as i am proud, i am stubborn and i expect so much more from myself. good night to all, God bless and amen...

Hope all had a great weekend and a Happy Easter! We had a lot of family time but it still doesn't meet my expectations. There's more to being a family than just 'being there.' A great friend recently questioned 'Does she ever smile? Is she happy?'

I sincerely want Charlin to be happy, in love and yearn to be with family. Perhaps the time will come that we part but I continue to put more and more in God's hands and pray that he restore our marriage. We need a miracle, we need His blessings and intervention. We deserve to be happy. We are planning on becoming members of Church on the Move and begin marital counseling. We are also looking into taking classes through Victory Christian Center regarding our responsibilities as a Christian. I'm doing everything I can to make her feel like the most important person in my world (besides God & Kolin). I don't ever want to wake up again without her by my side ... but I also want her to want to be there.

This year's 'He's Alive' play @ ORU's Mabee Center was OUTSTANDING! We were fortunate enought to be 4 rows back and center thanks to Charlin's co-worker. We were provided a 'behind the scenes' look at what all goes on -- Kolin loved it, especially the mule.

God Bless and have a great week.

What would Jesus do? I continue to struggle to make things work. I think the pain is taking a toll on my health and I need some resolution soon. I continue to receive advice and read books, websites, etc. I'm currently reading 'Torn Asunder: Recovering From Extramarital Affairs by Dave Carder.' There is a wealth of information and guidance. I just wish Charlin thought it was as important to her as it is to me. I'm extremely patient and want the best for all. We know where we both went wrong. How do I regain her love? I know the road to recovery from an affair can be extremely long but can I make it?

Today, I'm down. I reflect back on all that we've gone through. At what point does one give up on his/her dreams and seek new 'adventures?' What do you do when Christians tell you to prepare for divorce, to move on? My heart and soul tells me to continue the fight to win the one woman who means everything to me. My mind tells me to prepare for divorce.

Another problem? Why is it so difficult to seek spiritual guidance from church? I recommitted my life just a couple of weeks ago and I feel like there's a bigger 'absence' today. How does one 'put it all in God's hands?' I truly want Him to take care of my family. We can endure through these times but I need assistance now.

I need to get back to work, just had to get things out. God Bless and have a great day!