Life as I know it

Today, I was looking for lyrics to a song I like.  It's hip hop and I'm not too fond of the lyrics but I love the beat.  Anyhow, while 'Google'ing for the lyrics "why you wanna go and do that love..." I came across a Commencement address given by Steve Jobs at Stanford University in 2005.   

You've got to find what you love

On so many levels, this speech touches me.   

'...you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards...'  In my career, I can see hope but I can't see action.  Spiritually, I can see growth, especially in the past 3 years (since Kolin's birth).  In love & family, I'm hoping it all makes sense.  I love and miss Charlin dearly but I'm more accepting and kind of looking forward to the future.  'So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever.'

Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick.  Don't lose faith.  You've got to find what you love.  If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle.

I could continue forever about what this means to me.  Read the article, it's been a great breath of fresh air for me.  Perhaps it will go away tomorrow but it's really got me thinking.   

'...almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important.'

Enjoy.  God Bless.  Have a great Memorial Day weekend!

  

Charlin moved out the weekend of May 13th. Our first court hearing was the 17th. We now 'share' Kolin 50/50, he's never away from the other parent for more than 3 days. We don't have/get to see one another, the exchange is always made via daycare. I took him to daycare this morning and I will get him again on Wednesday after daycare. I will have him ALL next week! She will be going to Las Vegas for AST (Association of Surgical Technologists). Not my business but I wonder if Jeff will be going with her.

I visited with my attorney Saturday morning and I have much to prepare for. Unless she were to come up with some crazy stories, lies, etc., I'm confident we will have 50/50 shared physical custody. Enough about that, I think it's in my best interest to remain limited regarding the divorce / custody proceedings.

This weekend was great, I had Kolin. Friday evening we went to a friend's 'Block Party.' I wish more neighborhoods would take advantage of such an idea. It was great for so many people to get together and share a meal. It was all great fun until the water guns and sprinkler came out. Unfortunately, I tore my left calf muscle -- OUCH! I spent the rest of the evening sitting or lieing down. Nothing much a doctor can do for me. RICE (Rest, Ice, Compression & Elevation) is the answer. So hard to stop and just sit during these times. It's great to have company to keep my mind off her. It is getting easier though.

I began membership classes yesterday at our church - Church on the Move. Learned the history of the church, the goals and why becoming a member is so important. I've been an attendee of the church for almost 3 years, never did I understand membership until now. Membership will assist me in my goals to grow spiritually. Have a great week.

Thanks for all the comments, e-mails, calls, etc, it all helps through the process.

This weekend has been very hard. I've been without Kolin and Charlin, only a brief, daily conversation by phone. Both mean the world to me. It's interesting how quickly you can go through the various stages of grief. We have our court on Wednesday. We'll go before the court, watch a video regarding the process and our attorneys will seek a trial regarding the custody of our child. We have yet to come to an agreement. This is going to be a very difficult process for me. It's hard to 'fight' against the person you love so dearly. I still tell her I love her each and every day.

In most cases, the husband/father is the breadwinner and working to see that his family is provided for. Shamefully, she makes more money than I do. She has chosen an appropriate field and has continued to grow. I, on the other hand, have bounced around in various fields seeking happiness and money. I have yet to find either one.

We have both agreed to 50/50 physical custody of our son whereby both see him, make decisions regarding his care, upbringing, school, church, etc equally. So why no agreement yet? At 50/50, she will be required by law to pay me child support and pay a great amount of his care. She's extremely against having to pay me money. Had it been the other way around, I guarantee she would gladly accept child support. I feel as though she's determined to do whatever it takes NOT to pay me a dime. Even if it takes $10k in attorney fees and lieing on the stand, I feel she will continue to deny paying me anything. What's your thoughts? Honestly.

We have agreed upon a reasonable schedule to share him physically. We will not have to see one another as the transition will take place at daycare. I want to see her, even if it's for a moment. I'm not looking forward to this Wednesday. It's going to be difficult. My cousin's funeral will be held in the morning and court in the afternoon. I have to stay focused on the task at hand --- ensuring my rights as a father are met. I deserve equal everything at minimum. I've not made as much money as she has but I have provided far more love, care, attention and involvement regarding our son than she has. Ask any of her family members who is more involved in their son's life. If they were honest, I know they would say me. I'm thankful to have one of the best son's in the world. I wish Charlin and I had worked out. Can't turn back the time but I can focus on the future and what's best for us.

I still pray for God to intervene. I hope he's listening to my pleas for help. Lord knows I need it through these times. Good night world, it's late.

How long will the war in Iraq continue?  What are your feelings about the US being there without the support of other countries?  At what point will we consider our presence there unworthy?  I've never seriously thought about my feelings on the war until a call I received last week. 

On Thursday, May 4th, my cousin was killed in a roadside bomb.  Here's the story as listed in the Tulsa World [click link].  All the stories fail to include his first child, a beautiful boy.  Unfortunately, I don't remember his boy's name but I won't forget what's been left behind.  I pray he his in Heaven and looking down upon his family, upon us.  He always thought of me as his 'favorite' cousin.  Bryan has gone through a lot in life but he's always had a smile on his face -- or at least a smirk.  His funeral will be held Tuesday, May 16th.   

Years ago, Bryan lived with us [my mom & me] for almost 3 months.  We spent a lot of quality time together playing the original Playstation, sharing our life stories, talking about women and comon chit chat.  The relationship was stressed by his biological mom and current husband, Tim's beliefs.  I will not discuss those issues but I feel it had a strong bearing on Bryan's decisions throughout his life.    

Prior to his most recent marriage, we would often meet to discuss a shared passion, various Honda cars and the like.  I wish we continued to communicate because you never know.  The last time I really got to spend time with him was during his wedding.  I was their photographer.  Shortly thereafter, Bryan would join the Army and begin basic training.  I never would get to spend any more quality time with him.  The last time I saw Bryan was at Church.  In February, he would be allowed to return home for 2 weeks.  We attended his family's church and was able to hear his testimony.  Everyone sought his attention during that time and I didn't put forth the effort to schedule a lunch, dinner or a simple phone call.      & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;  

I wonder if his biological father, John Downing knows. 

Support is necessary through these times. Thankfully, I have friends and family who have continued to be there for me when needed. I continue to pray and hope for the best but I will always have these doubts.

Today was 'different.' I felt progress in the sense I can overcome everything before me. I felt progress in reaching her. I felt relief to smile. I feel like tomorrow will change more than I want or expect. Kolin is my world and I do not want to be without him. Even a 50/50 shared physical custody will be very trying. I do not want Kolin around him (Jeff)! He doesn't need another father, dad or any sort of male figure. He needs me. He will always be 'Da-e's boy.'

They continue to see each other. I continue to focus on tomorrow. We are at a 'war' that never should have happened. We're both at fault but she emotionally abandoned the relationship long before I -- I'm still here waiting for her return. I wish the best for her, hope she's beyond happy and more. There's so many emotions you go through when facing divorce. It's surreal almost. Sometimes I wish I would just wake up and realize it's been a really bad, long nightmare. I'm thankful just to get some sleep lately.

It's late and I can't sleep. Not unusual. There's so much I could be doing right now but I can't seem to focus on anything other than her. In less than a month, it will be our 7th year wedding anniversary -- I'm confident we will spend it apart. Sometimes I feel as though I would give anything to make her love me again, give me one more chance, give me the opportunity to show her.

I'm so ADD right now! So many things going through my head. We have drifted so far apart yet we still live in the same house, sleep in the same bed and occasionally, she'll allow me to give her a little kiss. Daily, I remind her I love her.

Good night all and God Bless!