Life as I know it

Woke up and can't go back to sleep. Hate these nights/early mornings when I can't 'turn off my thinker.' Nothing I really want to share. Vacation will be ending soon and I need another week or two but don't we all? Returning Monday to 'the grind' and it's time to start making decisions about my future in so many ways. Wish I could share more but not at this time.

Why is the grieving process so difficult? You read about people who live in it for years, others who never complete the process and are bitter for the remainder of their life. Others will say "Look what they've done to you, MOVE on and NOW"

A few people know but during a conversation earlier this week, Charlin asked what I thought about putting the divorce 'on hold.' At first, I was overcome with a sense of joy but when she explained, it reminded me of her return in December. Then, I believe her motive was to improve her case in court regarding the custody of our son. She accomplished that task. But now what? Is she up to something again? She says she wants her family back which I believe is in the best interest of Kolin but she reminds me that she no longer loves me. If she could figure out how to get that back, she says her life would be complete again.

So my mind goes back and forth weighing all the possibilities and wondering what if. I cannot allow her to just walk back in. I've made it so far through the grief process and was in 'acceptance.' Am I going to replay all these emotions again, return to the initial stages of grief? I think I've already expressed to much of my emotions to her. Nothing that she doesn't already know but to share again.

She's been spending all of her time with Jeff, especially while Kolin and I are away on vacation. I wonder how their relationship is. I don't feel comfortable asking any of their 'friends' about the relationship. Too many questions and concerns about the past several months, about her motive, about what could be...

I continue to pray. Pray for happiness! I used to pray for God to restore our marriage. Lately, I've been focusing on the strength to move beyond these emotions for her. Have a great day.

Tonight we had dinner. I'd still do anything to get her back in my life, I love her.

Last week, her lawyer asked her for an additional $1000 as her original $2k retainer has been depleted. Since then, she has requested we get together to discuss what we agree upon outside of the courts. Tonight, she finally made a little time for us. [It was great to see her, still looking as great as ever] Didn't take much to determine we don't agree. She agrees with 50/50 joint custody of Kolin but only if she is not required to pay child support. She doesn't agree that the monies we borrowed to live on while I attended school is a shared debt. She believes my 401k obtained prior to our marriage is fair game. I honestly do not know the written law but my attorney has convinced me we will be successful in our pursuit for 50/50 in all aspects: custody, division of properties and debts.

Who knows? I question the pursuit for justice. Are we not spending every last dime of equity we have built in 7 years to try and 'prove' the other wrong. What will the future hold? I'm confident it will take me just as long to recover from the financial burden of our divorce as it will me to move beyond the strong feelings I have for her.

A hint of hope had me thrilled. It was quickly deflated when I began asking questions about Jeff. Further, it was more important for her to go out on a date with him than it was to spend the last evening with our son Kolin before we vacation. I still wonder what it would take to make her happy. If I could ever satisfy her every need like I did in the past. There's been so much said, we've done so much to one another. Even still, I would not hesitate to give it one more try. I think it would be for the greater good for our son, our family and perhaps, sanity. Would she ever be at minimum content with just us again.

I'm thankful to be getting away from 'home.' It's difficult without Charlin going but it's a much needed break from the workload, focus on preparation of our divorce and so much more. I hope to regain and strengthen my focus on everything that I face. I pray God leads me in the right direction and allows increase in all I do. Perhaps I'll write during vacation. Regardless, have a great week.

Today, I attended week 2/13 of DivorceCare through a local church. For the most part, I know what to expect from the whole divorce process but it helps to discuss it with others and see how they've overcome different stages of their divorce / grief. I've done a lot of research but there's still more information gained at the meetings. Today, we discussed the stages of grief and some tools to overcome them. We've been asked to write down our feelings, thoughts and emotions. I've been doing that for quite some time (hence this blog) and it's helped considerably. I feel like I need to move forward. I have to learn to be more accepting. Looking at myself from the outside, it's hard to look at an individual, a single man. The loss is difficiult to deal with but I will survive.

The pain is still here and it hurts. Has to do with anniversaries, holidays, etc. Monday, June 5th was our 7th year anniversary. I spent a lot of time reflecting on our past and where we were at each year. Today, I wouldn't hesitate to do it all over again. Can't wait until I get to the point of 'not caring.'

I will edit and provide more ... time for bed, it's after midnight.

This weekend has been pretty tough. I've thought a lot about all the emotions and excitement of life 7 years ago. Today, we have been married for 7 years. 6.5.99 was one of the best days of my life. Now I look back reflecting on everything that has occured and what tomorrow will hold.

Never did I imagine I would be planning for divorce back then. Of course, no one marries to get divorced.

I'm doing my best but there's much to improve. I know I'm not making all the right decisions right now and there's no great excuse. Went to my first DivorceCare class last week. It was interesting but I don't think there's much they told me that I didn't already know or have read. It's just going to take time. Some days, I want to find someone special and NOW, other days I just want to be alone and learn to become independent again. Who knows what tomorrow holds but I've got to keep my head up.

Kolin and I had a great weekend. I'm really looking forward to our upcoming vacation! Sunday, I attended the 2nd class required for membership at church.

I have a new website I'm working on ... 'Adventures with Kolin' It will include pictures of our adventures, outings and what nots.

Some anniversary. Trying to focus on it as being 'just another day.'