i can't live like this

we, or i am trying to make this marriage work. she's in love with another man and we're both to blame. at various times, i hold the burden on myself knowing that if i never took her off that pedestal, she never would have sought the attention of someone else. for the past year, i've been fighting for my wife, my family, my son and 'my life!' we have made ground but we don't make it far before she decides to reach out to him. he has her believing he is the most perfect person. she tries to convince me that it's not him that i should be worried about. perhaps she's right?

she returned 'home' on december 28th and although extremely trying, i was happy, content and i had high expectations that life was on it's way to recovery. before too long, i would discover that what i want to see is not necessarily what's happening before my eyes. she sleeps in the same bed, we share dinner, we somewhat share the responsibilities around the house, we, well.... we're here. we have been attending church regularly and i've been seeking His guidance. i've been desperate.

yesterday's service spoke directly to me. do not doubt God. how can i not doubt? it's not only in my mind -- it's in my heart, my voice and more. i want to believe she is or will seek forgiveness for her own actions but ...

today, she contacted her mom. she asked her to contact jeff and see if he could meet her. perhaps he wasn't available as she says, i don't believe it.

i was already on my way 'down.' i have to get off this emotional rollercoaster and perhaps 'try' a new ride, 'try' a new park, 'try' to live life for God, for myself, for my dear Kolin. Kolin is my world and i do not want to spend a day without him. he is extremely wonderful! he is everything a father could want in a son and he's growing up so fast. soon, he will likely be spending a portion of his time with her and a portion of his time with me. it hurts me now to imagine the time away from him -- even for a weekend. we do everything together! i never could have imagined the immense love that would grow for a child. i now understand the meaning of unconditional love! i do love Charlin but the love i have for my (our) son is so different. i know they're not the same 'love' but.

Charlin has been a blessing to me. she has showed me so much in life. we've been through so much and i pray she continues on with a happy, loving life regardless of what her / our future holds. i can't deal with the pain. someone recently commented that when the pain exceeds the happiness (and the hope for), i will be able to go on. tonight, i feel i should and can go on. tomorrow will likely be different.

i don't know what tomorrow will bring but i pray that God lifts me up and helps me through these trying times. i've never been able to count on anyone but myself. i've been on such a low and it's time for me to be lifted and renewed.

i have so much to offer to this world and i have yet to share it. Dear God, please extend your gracious love on me. please be with my family and everyone involved. allow us to grow in your kingdom and to learn from our mistakes and misfortunes. i ask that you take special care of kolin and charlin, they both mean a lot to me. please be with me and provide me the strength, courage and willingness to continue and become stronger. i ask that you open the doors of opportunity for me in every meaning of the word, in every area of my life. i need guidance through these times and i need help. i do not like asking for help as i am proud, i am stubborn and i expect so much more from myself. good night to all, God bless and amen...